I couldn't say it. The words came up my throat and haulted at the tip of my tongue.
It's true that I can't imagine my life without her. I don't even want a life without her.
What was I doing with my life, before her?
Driven by orgasms and the need for power.
She feels like... stability and support.
I always felt like I never needed anybody.
Attachments were supposed to be a big NO.
My mother cheated on my dad, who left us without even, thinking twice about me. All my life, it has been me. I have two cousins, Aishwarya and Aditya, kids of my mom's sister.
My maasi was the only one who tried to help me out as much as she could, before she was taken away by Cancer. She would have helped me, if she didn't have huge bills to pay and support her two kids as a widow. But you tend to forget about your shitty sister's son after having to vomit for days, and watching your hair fall.
My mother used to call me after Maasi's death, wanting forgiveness. But I never could. She tested positive for HIV, from the many men she contacted during her adventures after my father left. She had to give up drugs, clean up and be on anti-virals, for the rest of her life.
The last time she called me, was when Aishwarya came out as lesbian. My mother, being the only elder left, wanted her to understand how this was just a phase. She wanted her to get married to a good guy and forget about 'this trend'.
I gave Aish some of my savings, she moved abroad and is slowly paying me back. My mom thinks I supported her in 'being gay' as a revenge from her. She never contacted me again.
Her divorce money was provided in two parts, one for her and the other for me, was in a fixed deposit that she couldn't touch until I turned 18. I worked small jobs, paying for my education. Basketball scholarship helped me through college, while washing dishes among other things helped me buy books. I never touched that money, as it increased tenfold in almost 20 years. I invested some, added some of my savings and bought that plot in the suburbs.
I have always been on my own. I never depended on anybody and I never wanted anybody to depend on me.
What if... I was like my father... or worse... like my mother?
"Avi... Say it?" Sabina says looking at me with hope in her wide eyes.
"I... I don't remember..." I say as the chilly winter morning makes me shiver.
"Let's go in." I say reaching to pick up the carpet and quilt from last night.
"I'll pick it up. You'll hurt your arm. You go and freshen up." She says, with despair in her voice. I nod trying not to look in her eyes and walk down the stairs. I go to my room and freshen up before going for breakfast.
"Beta, what would you like for breakfast?" Naina asks as I think for a minute.
"Can I just... have some warm milk and oats?" I ask as she looks displeased for a minute.
"I don't want to get used to your paranthas, It'll be difficult when I leave." I say as she smiles.
"You can always come here for breakfast and lunch. You saved our daughter. My food is nothing in comparison to that." She says as I shake my head.
"I won't like to bother you, so much." I say as she looks a little taken aback.
"Uncle Avi..." Danish says coming to jump in my lap as I hold him with my left hand.
"Danish." I say and kiss his forehead.
"How's your shoulder?" he asks as I push his hair away from his forehead.
"It's fine. You need a haircut, Danish." I say inspecting his growth and look at his mom.
"Are we planning to grow it long?" I say as she shakes her head.
"I've been wanting to get a haircut but with you and everything..." she says as I look at Danish.
"I'll give you a haircut today, after school." I say as his little eyes light up with excitement.
"You know how to..." he says as I nod.
"No, I'll get it done from the salon after school. You still have one arm non-functional." Sabina says as I shake my head.
"I've given myself a haircut all my life. I can do it with one hand." I say as she squints.
"Let's see..." she says putting butter on toast for Danish.
We chat about Danish's school and his friends while eating breakfast. Then Sabina leaves with Danish as I look at Naina aunty, who had been quite for a while.
"Aunty, I'm sorry." I say as she tries to muster up a smile.
"Why would you be sorry?" she asks.
"I feel that I have hurt you." I say as she shakes her head.
"I've seen worse."
"But I'm still sorry. I promise to never say 'No' to your paranthas ever again." I say as she smiles.
"That's not a problem." She says and takes the chair opposite me.
"I feel... you're unsure about Sabina." She says as I try my best to look confident.
"I'm..." I go to say as she smiles.
"You're trying to lie. Jeet must be a detective, but I'm a mother. And no training can replace that." She says as I nod my head.
"Would you give your daughter to a man whose family, you have no idea about?" I ask as she looks at me shocked.
"Ambar told me you have no family. And If..."
"I'm not an orphan aunty. My mother and father are both alive." I say as her eyes widen.
"My past is very complicated and I... I don't know what my future holds. I need Sabina in my present and that's all I know and I never want to stop needing her. I think about growing old with her, but I... That's not what my mother or father did. I haven't learned to holding onto things..." I say as she keeps a hand on my shoulder.
"I've washed dishes in a restaurant, mopped the floors of a hotel and even done worse things to pay rent." I say as her brows furrow.
"You ever committed a crime? Did you sell drugs?" she asks.
"No... No, I've never done anything illegal." I say thinking for a minute.
But prostitution is illegal in our country, I thought to myself.
"I've never sold drugs." I say clarifying as she nods.
"Your mother, where is she?" she says as I shrug.
"She hasn't called me in... an year and half. But when I look at you... she doesn't deserve to be called a mother. She doesn't deserve to walk on the same Earth as you. You... You feel like warmth and care and she... she disgusts me..." I say and bite my tongue at having said it.
"A mother is a mother. No mother wants her child to be unhappy."
"Not everyone is so pure and selfless like you, aunty. I... can't... I'm ashamed to talk about her." I say as she nods and looks away.
"Your father?" she says and I shrug.
"He left us when I was barely 5-6 years old. My mother disgusted him as well and I wasn't important enough." I say and shrug as my phone rings.
It was an unknown number as I excuse myself from her and pick it up.
"Hello." I say as the other end is quiet for a minute.
"Hello?" I say again, looking at the screen to see if the call is still on, as the caller ID app in my phone shows a name.
Advocate Ravdeep Bajwa
YOU ARE READING
Her Sanctuary
General FictionSabina was disliked by her own parents, when they got a girl on the second attempt as if getting a boy was cracking UPSC, but she was loved. Just not by her biological parents and that hurt. Her sheep of a husband betrayed her and their son for mon...
