him and i - joão felix

forty five

i looked through my suitcase and the clothes that i had left here. i got them all out of my parents house a few days ago so they didn't have to worry about it when they try to sell the house. most of my clothes aren't very appropriate though so i picked out the most appropriate, black pieces of clothing i had.

i sat in front of the small bunch of clothes i had placed on my floor. i must've lost track of time, because i sat there for about 15 minutes just staring, not even thinking about what i would wear. i snapped out of it when joão walked in the room.

"hey, you okay?" he asked, worried. he had just gotten out of the shower and started to get ready for the funeral.

"i'm alright. just trying to pick out an outfit." i said.

i ended up settling on a black dress that i hadn't worn since the last funeral i had gone to. i slipped it on and it had fit perfectly. i remember when i first got it, it was a little bit big on me.

"you'll grow into it, it's fine." my mom had said. i liked to believe i never would need it again so it wouldn't matter if it fit in the future or not, but here i am now.

i straightened my hair and didn't put on any makeup. i knew that if i did i would cry it off anyways. joão wore a black suit that hugged him perfectly. it's a crime to look that good going to a funeral.

we went to go stop at my parents house first. we were planning on going together so it would just be easier. we pulled into the driveway and they came out to the car. joão agreed to drive all of us there. they hopped into the backseat and we went on our way to the funeral home.

-

funeral's are such bullshit. people you barely talk to, or even never talk to, come and tell you how sorry they are for you and how much they loved the person that passed. i remember my grandma telling me about some of these people. many of them she didn't like.

my parents and i stood up front, joão stood behind me. i noticed that some people recognized him but they didn't say anything out of respect.

people walked up to us, giving us hugs and showing their respects. i heard so many, "i'm sorry for your loss, joana was such a kind person. we loved her." i smiled at them all and thanked them. eventually, someone familiar walked over. i didn't look up, expecting them to say the same sentences i had heard all night.

"bea," the voice said. i looked up at a familiar face.

"ryan? why are you here? in portugal?" i asked. he must've caught a flight here just for the funeral because he lives in america still.

joão suddenly became very aware of everything. his face hardened next to me as he placed his hands on my waist in a protective way. ryan looked down at his hand placement, then back up to us. he looked at him for a minute, studying his face, then looking over at me again.

"i'm not here to hurt you or anything. i just thought it was the right thing to do, to be there for you and your family. and i also met her multiple times."

i guess he was right. he was always over the years that my grandmother visited the most. they met many times and sometimes i woke up to them talking.

"thanks for coming." i said.

"of course. now excuse me." he said, smiling softly. he walked over to my parents and greeted them with hugs before we walked over to sit down.

"that was weird." joão whispered in my ear.

"yeah, weirdly nice. i didn't expect that from him." maybe he did mean it last time when he said he had changed.

the time came for us all to take our seats. a priest welcomed everyone and spoke about her. after he was done, my mother walked up and gave a speech about her. i had been good at holding in my tears all night until i heard her start speaking. all of my emotions instantly came to me, the mask i put up fell. i turned to joão and he pulled my closer, letting me cry on his shoulder for what felt like the thousandth time this week. he wrapped his arm around me, softly tracing shapes on my back to comfort me.

i only pulled away when my mother was finished and had returned to her seat. a few more people spoke before it was time for the procession.

we got into the car and headed to the burial grounds. everyone placed her favorite flowers over her casket, after lowering her casket into the ground. we were the last ones there, my mother sat on next to the hole for a few. we all stayed silent. when she got up, we went on our wats.

-

some people from the funeral were going to go out to lunch after everything was over. i didn't know for sure who was coming but i didn't care that much. we arrived and had four seats already saved for us at the head of the table.

a lot of my cousins were there, and some distant aunts and uncles. i used to see them on holiday's when i was younger, but i never was close with any of them. it was kinda hard, living in america when the whole other side of the family lived in portugal.

my parents mingled with our family but no one really paid attention to me and joão. i didn't mind it, i was already drained from being around so many people and talking to many that i didn't even know all day.

i was so thankful when people started getting up to leave. the lunch was long and i was so ready to go home. my mom must have realized because she payed our bill quickly and we walked out the door. there were still a few people inside that were with us but it didn't matter.

we drove to my parents house first, walking them in and making sure they didn't need anything from us. we offered to make dinner again but they said that they already had so many casseroles and other foods that were brought to them.

we said out goodbyes and went to our own house. when we walked through the door, we went straight upstairs. i plopped face down on the bed, right away.

"are you okay?" joão said, confused.

"yeah, i'm just exhausted. i don't think i've ever had to talk to that many people in one day." i said.

"that's understandable."

for the rest of the night, we watched some netflix and chilled until he fell asleep. i reached around him for the remote and turned off the tv. i laid there for a while because i couldn't sleep. i thought about everything, about my parents, about my grandma, and about joão and i.

i thought about how i'd never been so happy with someone in my life. i'm beyond grateful for him coming into my life. i don't know what i'd do without him.

my thoughts began to fade away and i finally dozed off around 1am.

-

sooo joão is going to chelsea... maybe not his best move but lowkey i'm excited to see him, mason mount, and christian pulisic all on one team 😍