Unmatched Hatred

Chapter 37

The sun had officially set over the horizon, hiding its face as the night crawled in. I had just left the Gryffindor common room where Kasper, Hermione, Ginny, and I had been discussing the first task of the Triwizard Tournament, which was to take place this Saturday. I remember mentioning in the middle of the conversation how I would be amused if the dragon were to swallow Harry whole. This statement caused a fit of laughter to emerge from them.

Although, I was not necessarily joking.

I was still furious from the previous night. Every time I had glanced at Harry during the day, I was reminded of the event and wanted to strangle him. I could still hardly fathom that he had truly hankered to push me aside "until we were older". Why did he suddenly wish to completely separate from me? Also, another question-

If my absence never bothered him, then what did my presence ever mean to him?

This question stood out and bothered me the most. And without an answer to a question, so was life without a purpose.

During the day, I managed to mask the despair I was enduring by distracting myself with homework and lively discussions. Many heard the news about the breakup and worried at first, but on the outside, I appeared just fine.

However, I fooled everyone.

On the inside, I feared I was slowly deteriorating and practically dying with every passing minute. Along with this, no matter how much I tried to deny, no matter how many times I convinced myself otherwise, I still loved Harry. In fact, I hated that I loved him. Even after everything he has put me through, I never ceased to remember all those precious moments I spent with Harry. I remembered the meaningful words he used to pour into my ears and the soft kisses he would plant on my cheeks. However, it now all just felt like a distant illusion.

I must do my best to forget a single thing, moment, or even one simple word from Harry. He was not worth remembering after all. Throughout this, a war raged on in my mind whether to obliviate myself of the memories or settle down and mourn for a little while. Yet, I was sick of experiencing constant affliction. I simply longed to feel...

Nothing.

Therefore, that is what I strived to feel. I lay on my back on the floor of the Astronomy Tower in the cool of the night, losing all sense of feeling and my grip on reality. I stared over at the darkened sky through the metal railing, wondering where all of time has gone. Wondering if Harry ever possessed any feeling of love towards me at all. When he told me he loved me, did he really mean it, or was it just another meaningless lie?

I had figured it all to be love, but this was not lovely.

So, being in the state of mind I was, I made the mistake of replaying the old and happy memories with me and Harry. The memories when nothing else mattered, the memories when all my worries had vanished, the memories when I believed our time together would last a lifetime- then suddenly, I was brought back to my current state. It was now merely a dream, and when I came out of those daydreams, I felt myself being drained once more of all simple feeling.

Ten months. How could he throw away ten months of happiness? Did Harry fall out of love, or was there truly ever love there at all?

How? Why? What if?

So many questions, yet no answers. This left my mind reeling as I attempted to redirect my thoughts.

I should be relieved, yet I was broken-hearted. I then began to beat myself up mentally. Perhaps I could have prevented this if I had been nicer. Perhaps if I could have been just a little more understanding. Perhaps under these potential circumstances, Harry and I could have worked everything out. Of course, I did not wish to gather that I was part of the reason for our breakup, although I was the one who spoke the words.