Come Back to Me (Don't Save Me Book 3)

Chapter 39: It's Not Your Fault

I awoke the next morning, a mix of guilt, sadness and regret swirling in my mind, while still feeling secure in Severus's arms. I heard his breath hitch as his arm clutched my body.

"N-no," he whimpered, his other arm moving across the edge of the bed, frantically searching for something to hold onto. "L-let her go!" he begged.

I sat up, his arm still holding my waist as I grabbed his face. "Sev!" I called, trying to bring him back to me. He thrashed and his legs tangled in the sheets.

"No!" His loud scream awoke him from the nightmare, shooting straight up as he searched the room frantically.

"Hey, Sev, you're okay," I soothed.

"Y/n?" he asked, his voice cracking as he spoke.

"I'm here, baby. I'm here." I placed a hand on his arm and his hand quickly wrapped around mine before moving up my arm. With a wave of my hand the light was turned on and a look of relief crossed Severus's features. He moved closer to me, grabbing my face in his hands as his eyes searched my body.

"It's okay, Sev. You're okay," I whispered.

"No, th-they had you and- and it was my fault. I-."

"Hey, calm down. It's okay, baby. Just breathe. Slow down." I took his face in my hands. "Start from the beginning. Who had me?"

"The Dark Lord.He took you and I couldn't do anything... I didn't do anything because I was standing with Sadie. I could hear your screams but I couldn't do anything. I was watching myself standing with her as I heard your screams and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't make myself move." He broke into sobs and I moved closer to him, nuzzling my face in his neck. We scootched back, resting against the headboard of the bed.

"Sev, it's okay. They don't have me. Sadie isn't here. I am and I'm not going anywhere."

"But Sadie was there. At least she was that night... and I didn't do anything."

"Sev, you didn't know it was her. You couldn't have known something was going on."

"But I should've. I-I knew you didn't seem like yourself... I should've recognized it wasn't you."

"Sev, it's okay. They didn't hurt me. I was perfectly safe."

"Y/n, I saw your arm."

"That was Wormtail... I struggled when he tried to take my blood and it left bruises. Other than that I was fine, Sev."

He looked down at me, cupping my cheek in his hand. "You weren't fine, Y/n. They were taking your blood, bruising you, and putting you under one of the unforgivable curses while I just sat there! I knew something wasn't right! Sh-she called me sweetie and she tried to read my mind. You never would've done those things. I'm a bloody potion's professor for Merlin's sake! I should've known she was using Polyjuice potion!"

"Sev, look at me." I grabbed his face, gently turning it to face me. "I wasn't hurt. They didn't hurt me. They even gave me a damn mattress while the sleeping potion wore off! I promise you I wasn't in any real danger. Besides, there was no way you could've known what was happening."

He looked away from me but I wasn't having that. I crawled onto his lap, lifting his chin. "It. Wasn't. Your. Fault," I said, carefully enunciating each word. "You have to forgive yourself, baby."

"I can't... I should've known... I should've known," he whispered, more to himself than anyone else.

"Sev, look at me," I said, noticing how his eyes were focused everywhere else. He looked up, his dark eyes locking with mine and I could see the tears within them. "It's not your fault, baby. None of this is your fault. Do you hear me?"

He gave a small nod but that wasn't good enough.

"I need to hear you say it, baby."

"I-it's not my fault?" he said, more as a question than anything else. I sighed, snuggling closer to him.

"It's not your fault."

Sobs racked his body as the words left my lips and I knew it was something he had desperately needed to hear for so long. It wasn't just about that night in the graveyard anymore. He was blaming himself for everything and I needed him to know it wasn't his fault.

The next few hours were spent holding each other. He would slip in and out of sleep, often waking up from another nightmare that were usually just versions of the same one. Though there was one nightmare in particular he woke up from in which he needed my body close at all times. If I even tried to leave to get him a glass of water he was pulling me close to himself again, terrified that I would be kidnapped and tortured.

"How are you so calm about all of this? How aren't you having nightmares?" he had asked me and guilt ripped through my body. I simply shrugged and changed the subject, holding his body close to me. What he didn't know was that I had been taking Dreamless Sleep potion every night since I left the hospital wing. Generally I would lay down and wait until he fell asleep before getting out of bed and grabbing the potion I kept stashed in my closet. If we were sleeping in his chambers I would bring one with me, stashing it inside my robes. It got a bit more difficult when the school year ended, though I was able to manage. Most of the time was spent at Severus's home so I would just carry a potion in my robes, hoping he would never see it. When I was in the hospital wing it was easy to avoid the nightmares as the pain potions Poppy had been giving me acted in a similar manner to the Dreamless Sleep potion... but once I left the hospital wing everything changed. I could no longer avoid the endless nightmares: images of Cedric laying lifeless on the ground, hearing Amos's screams, my father's fetus-like form writhing as it took on a new form, not a snake but not fully human either. I would wake with a sense of dread filling my body and so my new habit was born. Every night I snuck out of bed, slipping the vial to my lips and hiding the evidence, hoping Severus would never have to know.