Come Back to Me (Don't Save Me Book 3)

Chapter 52: Don't Say It

I looked down at the text, noticing how it began talking about the former trial and my uncle's abuse, bringing my history back up once again. I sighed, tossing the paper on the table beside Harry as his eyes were glued to the paper. He was reading every word and, when he finished reading, he looked up at me.

"Th-this happened to you?" he asked, tears filling his eyes. I sighed, looking down as I realized this had never come up. To be completely honest I'd never wanted it to come up. This wasn't a conversation I had planned on having today and I was hoping to avoid it as long as possible.

"A long time ago, Harry. It's all in the past. They're only digging it up to try and hurt me," I answered.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It never came up... and honestly... it's a part of my past I wanted to forget."

He nodded, seeming to understand. Remus placed a hand on my arm as the images stared up at me from the table.

"Fudge is using all his power, including his influence at the Daily Prophet, to... smear anyone who claims the Dark Lord has returned," Remus said, guiding me to a chair and we both took a seat.

"Why?" Harry asked.

"The Minister thinks Dumbledore's after his job."

"But that's insane! No one in their right mind could believe that Dumbledore-."

"That's exactly the point," Remus interrupted. "Fudge isn't in his right mind. It's been twisted and warped by fear. Now fear makes people do terrible things, Harry. The last time Voldemort gained power he almost destroyed everything we hold most dear. Now he's returned and I'm afraid the Minister will do almost anything to avoid facing that terrifying truth."

"We think Voldemort wants to build up his army again. 14 years ago he had huge numbers at his command and not just witches and wizards but all manner of dark creatures. He's been recruiting heavily and we've been attempting to do the same... But gathering followers isn't the only thing he's interested in."

Alastor cleared his throat, interrupting Sirius. I looked up, glaring at him.

"We believe... Voldemort may be after something..."

"Sirius," Alastor warned. Sirius continued but I could tell he was treading cautiously.

"Something he didn't have last time."

"Alright, that's enough," I said.

"Y/n.. I-."

"No, Sirius. He should get to be a kid. He doesn't need to be involved in this," I said, still cross with him from the earlier events but I was trying to maintain my sense of calm for Harry's sake.

"Darling, he-."

"Don't!" I hissed, the nickname stirring something I thought had died long ago. I cleared my throat, trying to calm myself. "Don't call me that."

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

I sighed as he began speaking again.

"He's not a child anymore, Y/n. We can't protect him from the truth forever."

"What're you two talking about? You mean, like... a weapon?" Harry asked, pulling us from our disagreement.

"No. That's enough," Molly said, walking over to Harry. "Y/n's right! He's just a boy. You say much more and you might as well induct him into the Order straightaway!"

"Good, I want to join!" Harry exclaimed, a look of determination in his eyes that so resembled his father. "If Voldemort's building an army then I want to fight!"

Sirius looked proud of Harry but I was furious with my ex-lover. I stood up, making my way out of the kitchen, not wanting to yell in front of Harry. Suddenly I felt a hand grab my wrist and turn me around to face whoever it was. I looked up, locking eyes with Sirius.

"Y/n, what's wrong?"

"What's wrong?! Are you kidding me right now?!" I hissed. "Everything is wrong, Sirius! You try to tell Harry about something that could very well get him killed! Something he has no business knowing right now! You try to tell him even though you knew I thought he shouldn't know! You completely disregard how I feel about it and decide to tell him without even talking to me! And let's not forget the little stunt you pulled upstairs!" I spat.

He looked down, instantly knowing what I was referring to. "Y/n, I-I'm so sorry. I was angry and I-."

"So? That's a bullshit excuse and you know it! You can't say things like that and just think you can take them back like this," I spat, snapping my fingers.

"Darling, please."

"And that," I hissed. "That needs to stop."

"What're you talking about?"

"The pet names have to stop, Sirius," I answered, my voice growing softer. "I get that this is hard, okay? It's hard for everyone involved... not just you. I'm sorry that this hurts you... I never wanted that... but I love Severus... and I need you to accept that." I was fighting to keep the tears in, refusing to let anyone see me cry.

"Y/n... I'm sorry for what I said. I was angry and I never meant to hurt you." He slowly moved closer, his hand reaching for mine.

"Sirius... that doesn't make it okay."

His hand finally reached mine, his thumb rubbing small circles over the back of my hand.

"I know it doesn't... but you deserved an apology. You deserve so much that I should've provided for you."

From the corner of my eye I could see several members of the Order watching the interaction but I didn't pay any attention.

"Sirius," I warned, noticing how his words were verging onto something much more intimate and that was a conversation I didn't want to have.

"Y/n, please just let me say it."

"Sirius, please don't. It'll just ruin everything."

"Why? It's not like you don't already know."

"If I know then why do you have to say it?" I answered, trying to keep my tears from falling.

"Because I need you to hear it. I need to say it," he answered.

"Sirius, please don't do this."

I knew once the words left his lips it would change everything. I could deny that he still loved me all I wanted but once he says the words I won't be able to lie to myself anymore.

"Y/n... I can't just sit there and pretend what we had didn't happen! I can't just pretend it doesn't hurt that you're dating Severus! Y/n, I love you! I waited in Azkaban, hoping that when I got out we could try to pick up our life! I thought I was okay with you moving on but Severus?! Why him, Y/n? Of everyone you could've chosen... why did you choose him?"

"Because I love him, Sirius," I answered softly as I felt the tears slip past my eyes.

"If you loved him you wouldn't be crying after I said I loved you."