Misfortune

Chapter 38

"Baby, look at me," He whispers softly as he caresses my cheek, but I refuse to. I turn my head to the side, not wanting to see him anymore. I wish I could just leave but he has me trapped underneath him.

He kisses my tears as he tells me lies of how much he loves me and how sorry he is.

"Please get off me," I mumble weakly.

He gently grabs my chin making me look up at him. His brows crease in worry," You don't love me anymore?"

My mouth parts open as I stare into his eyes. 'I want to say no. I know that I can't let things go on like this, so why am I suddenly so silent.

I can't love him like this. '

I try to speak but nothing comes out, 'why am I holding back? '

As I try to say what's on my mind, the door creaks making James turn his head. I can barely move an inch but I'm able to lift my head up a bit to see Angus watching us. He looks worried yet angry at the same time.

James's hand clenches onto the sheets as he warns Angus to leave," Get out."

Angus looks at me then at him," What's going on?"

He takes a step into the room. I can see the veins in James's arms pulsing as Angus gets closer to us. I already know how bad this situation can get if I don't stop him, so I have to make the painful decision of telling him to leave.

"Angus," I groan as I continue," We're fine, everything's fine. Just go to bed."

His brows furrow deeply, he can see past my bullshit.

"It doesn't look like everything's fine to me," He protests, mainly saying this to James.

James watches him with a smirk," You can stay and watch the fun if you like," he says while grinding his lower half onto mine. I hate this side of him, his attitude changes too much. I can never tell what he's thinking.

Angus's jaw clenches, he stares at James like he wants to just rip him apart.

"Enough," I yell.

James looks at me as he takes in a deep breath.

"Angus leave."

"But—"

"—Now," I cut him off.

My neck starts to stiffen from holding my head for so long. I use the last bit of my strength to give him a serious look before my neck goes numb. He looks like he wants to protest some more but bites his tongue. It honestly hurts sending him away like this, but I don't want to see what will happen to him if he gets any closer to us. Though James is putting on a cocky attitude I can tell he's annoyed.

Angus finally decides to leave, not before giving me a disappointing head shake, one I'm very familiar with thanks to our parents.

I drop my head down as he closes the door.

I want to say that I can finally relax but I can't. James still watches me as he stays hovered over me.

"Please get off me."

" I won't until you tell me how you feel, just be honest with me."

My bottom lip hurts from the open wound on it so I can no longer do my habit of biting down on it. With a sigh I only turn my head to the side, still refusing to give him an answer.

"August, look at me," He gently caresses my cheek. Still, I look to the side, casting my eyes on anything but him.

"August!" His voice grows a bit louder.

My heart starts to feel lightweight. I feel completely drain, exhausted even.

I don't need a mirror to show me how much of a mess I look, I can already tell.

Tears roll down the bridge of my nose as I kept my head turned.

"August, fucking look at me!" He grabs my chin forcing me to look at him.

His thumb presses hard onto my jaw making my lips part open. His eyes soften some as he sees that I'm crying once again. As if being self-aware of his actions he lets my chin go. I bring my hand up to it and softly caress my jaw.

"I'm sorry," he looks apologetic.

Finally, he gets off me but pulls me up with him. We both sit straight up on the bed, crossing our legs. I look down to the sheets. He's persistent on watching me as he tilts his head following my gaze.

He's searching for something in me that's fading away, my love for him.

"Just yesterday, I made you the happiest you've ever been in your life. Now today, you refusing to tell me you love me. Why is that? Do you not feel the same after just a few hours?"

I wipe my tears, trying to make myself have some strength against him. As I do, he looks me up and down before leaning towards me. We weren't even remotely far apart from each other, so he only closed up a few inches between us.

His hands gently pull mine away from my face and down to my lap. My breathing heavies as I stare at him through the tears that blurred my vision.

Carefully, he wipes my tears for me. I tremble from his touch, it's weird how I can be scared of it but also crave it.

'I hate how he makes me feel. '

Now that I think about it, there's lots of things I hate about him.

'I hate how he wants a clear answer for everything and doesn't take the time to realize that I don't like to be pressured into things.

I hate how he makes me so happy one moment and scared shitless the next.

I hate how gentle he can be with me, like I'm a delicate flower. Then how harsh he can treat me like I'm just such a bother to him.

I hate how he lies to me by telling me things he knows will make me happy because he's aware of how vulnerable I am. He thinks I'm just someone who can easily be won over by love and affection, which is true for the most part. But I can't help who I am. You try growing up surrounded by people who never cared for you when they should've. Wondering if anyone in the world would actually love you. So, forgive me for thinking this one time, one time someone might actually want to enjoy being around my presence. '

I think the thing I hate most about James London, is how he uses my trauma against me. Every secret I ever told him, he used to his advantage. He played on all my fears, telling me he'd never leave me, that I was his life, saying he loved me more than himself when really, he just wanted a puppet to play with on his strings.

Did he ever love me the way I loved him? Or was I just some broken man desperate for adoration for him? '

I know loving him isn't healthy or safe. But I still love him, more than I can explain. Maybe this is the life I deserve, one where I'm always the pliant.

I think I may be too damaged to be loved.