Misfortune

Chapter 20

I sit on the edge of the bed, thinking over my life up until now. 'He doesn't love you; it was all a lie. ' I can't help but to feel so lost about everything, is this really my reality? I really wanted to believe that everything James was saying was true. I wanted, no. I needed it to be true. I needed for one moment of my life to feel the love I deserve. However, I was foolish. Foolish to believe that anyone would love me. How can anyone love me when I don't love myself? I ruin everything, my parents were right. Everything bad that has ever happened to me is because of me. I'm the reason things can't seem to go right for me.

I just want to be loved. Why is that so hard for me to achieve?!

I feel like I'm stuck in a never ending cycle of pain.

My head throbs, just thinking about how James looked at me so coldly just now. With a sigh, I stand up. My mind is made up. I'm not going to allow myself to be played anymore by anyone. I've had enough of that shit. When I originally left behind my shitty life I had my car keys, my money, a map and the clothes on my back. Seeing where I'm at now, I only have my car keys and the clothes on my back.

I can just go stay at the house my brother owns down here, while I try to figure what to do later, I'll be fine.

I feel around my pockets, making sure that I still have my keys until I hear a knock on the door. Before I can open it, the door creaks open.

"What do you want?" I say coldly to the man who treated me like shit earlier. He slowly closes the door with a distressed look on his face.

"You going somewhere?" He tilts his head slightly, eyeing me up and down.

"What's it to you? You clearly don't give a fuck about me so why would you care?" I let my anger show as I raise my voice.

We stare at each other for a few seconds before he finally says while letting out a breath," I need you to forgive me."

"I can't do this anymore," I cross my arms. "I can't be the puppet on the strings to everyone who thinks they can just play me. I don't want to be like that anymore, I can't. Not even for you. No matter how good you make me feel, I won't go back to a life like that."

"And I'm not asking you to be like that, I just—"

"Just what?" I cut him off," You just love feeling in control so much that you put down others when they try to voice their opinion? Huh? Is that it?"

He takes a step towards me which causes me to step back, he notices this and immediately stops.

"Please. please just listen to me. I know that I said some hurtful things, but I was just scared, scared of you being right. All my life no one has told me things on how they actually are. People just always told me what I wanted to hear and never the truth. So, when you told me my mother might not actually love me, I was scared. I knew you were right; I just didn't want to accept that. I don't want you to think that I never loved you when I do, with all my heart. August, you've changed me."

"Are you seriously trying to get me to forgive you that easily right now? Get out of my way!" I try to step beside him, but he quickly blocks my path grabbing my wrists and dropping to his knees.

"What are you doing? Get up!"

"No august, I need you. You're my everything and.......I'm sorry, please."

I bit my lip as I look down at him, he looks awful and lost. His eyes have bags under them, his hair is out of place and he reeks of cigarettes. Something in me is making my heart ache, I want to pull him off the ground and give him the biggest hug ever. But then I think about everything he said to me and how he treated me, I can't let him get away with that, I won't let him.

"James from now on, I'm only surrounding myself around people who will love me. If you want to believe that you'll find love in this house stay, I won't beg you to follow me," With that I brush past him, leaving him staring at the floor.

My heart beats faster as I rush downstairs, 'I'm scared. Scared of being alone again but I guess I have no choice now. '

I can hear the upstairs door opening, followed by a pair of footsteps chasing after me.

"August wait!"

'No. I'm not turning around, ' I stay walking downstairs until I reach the very last step where I'm stopped by James grabbing my arm sleeve. I pull away from him and reach for the door handle but before I can open it, I'm suddenly spun around as James pushes me against it. He lifts up my chin with his thumb, making me stare into his tired yet determined eyes. His chest raises up and down slowly as his eyes dart from my mouth to my eyes consistently. "I want to be with you, august. I never want to be without you, I love you," he whispers in a low voice before pressing his lips against mine. My mind immediately goes numb, all the anger I shed towards him was wiped away as tears filled my eyes. "Let go of me!" I say in-between breaths. One of his hands find their way to my back, drawing me closer to him. His eyes were closed but I could tell through his brows, that were locked together so tightly, that he was desperate for me to forgive him.
Though I could taste the cigarette on his lips, the kiss was still so tender and warm. He kissed me as if he had already lost me. The overwhelming feeling of pain starts to wash over me as I shut my eyes, kissing back. His hands cup my face as he pulls me in closer, our foreheads brushing against each other as I cock my head a little, deepening our passionate kiss.

'I shouldn't be doing this. I know I shouldn't! But I just can't help it! It's like he has some sort of mind game controlling me. The more I pull away from him, the more I'm drawn to him. I hate this man, more than words can describe. He can make me the happiest I've ever been, then be the same one to tear all that happiness away. '

We both parted away from each other breathlessly while staring into each other's eyes. Tears rolled down his face as he kissed my forehead. My whole body was warm with delight. His hands still cupped my face, holding me so gently." Please, I need to hear you say it. Tell me you love me. I'll be yours, no matter what august," he whispers breathlessly.

I could feel my heart skip a beat as I stared deeply into his hazy eyes. As I was about to speak, I was cut off by a gasp. James looked behind him to see his mother standing at the end of the hall with wide eyes," Y-You're in love with him August?"

James takes a stand in front of me, blocking me from her preying eyes. She looked at me with so much disgust, that I'd forgotten about all the good things I liked about her. The suspense I had for her planning something only heightened. "We're leaving so just pretend as if I was never here, I won't bother you again," the soft voice he had for me just now turns stoic as he stares at her.

She knits her eyebrows, laughing manically while saying," You really think it's that easy? Not being bothered by you. The thought of you haunts me every fucking day, I'm haunted by your whole existence! God, I should've just let you kill yourself one of those nights if I'd know you turn out to be like this!"

I couldn't see what James looked like as he heard his own mother say all this to him, but I could tell he was upset since he was so quiet. I tugged on his shirt, causing him to look at me. His eyes were blood shot red, but it didn't look like he was that hurt, it was if he knew she felt like this the whole time and was already anticipating for it to finally be revealed.

"James, let's just go," I say as his gaze drops to the ground. He only nodded.

I begin to unlock the door while his mom still through curses at him from behind us. I was honestly so surprised by how much he was holding back from doing something crazy, that was until she yelled," Take you and your faggot ass boyfriend and get the fuck out of my house!" when he snapped.

He stops following me and stomps over to her, landing his fist straight into her jaw before she can say anything else. I gasp in horror, watching as he hovers over her yelling," Say all you want about me but never disrespect the only person who has ever truly loved me!" With that he turns back to me, leaving her on the ground with her lip spurting out blood.

Everything was in slow motion to me at this point. As he got closer to me, all I could see was blood splattering onto my face as a loud gunshot rung out. James instantly fell before me as his mother stood up with a gun in her frail hands.