Unsuccessful Landing II: To Crash on His Arms (COMPLETE)

𝓚𝓪𝓫𝓪𝓷𝓪𝓽𝓪 32

Fifteen months of therapy, four months of rehabilitation, six months of living far away from home to completely heal myself, and three months of self-reflection.

It took me almost three years to bring back what I lost when I chose self-destruction over rational thinking. However, I shouldn't blame anyone for it.

I was the one who ran away. I choose to suffer and hurt myself rather than focus on acceptance, healing, and forgiveness. I was clouded by anger. Nagalit ako kay Crystal, sa sitwasyon, sa desisyon ko, at kay Santi. I blame all of them for giving me pain.

Pero sa kabila ng lahat ng 'yon...nagawa kong magpatawad. I realized that I was angry with myself more than anyone else. I was angry for being so narrow-minded at that time. I was angry that I left instead of listening and fixing everything. But then I also realized that maybe, everything was in god's will.

I left the country in secret. Only Mama and Daddy knew it. Kahit ang kapatid, kaibigan, at mga pinsan ko ay walang alam na lumabas ako ng bansa. Ang alam lang nila ay nagkulong ako sa Isla dahil sa pagkasira ng relasyon namin ni Santi. That was true but only for six weeks.

Sa mismong araw ng dapat na kasal naming dalawa, umalis ako ng bansa. I went to Grandma here in Rome kung saan ako nagkulong ng dalawa pang buwan bago sinimulan ang therapy ko.

I refused news about Santi. I don't even want to hear his name. Even though I knew he loved me and he wasn't entirely at fault, I just can't take it. I just wanted to run away from everything, which was the wrong thing to do. Dahil marami akong pinagsisihan.

I learned it the hard way. Mas lumala ang kondisyon ko nung malayo ako kay Santi. I suffer from a bunch of mental disorder like PTSD, depression, anxiety, and more. I had to deal with it one by one before I sink deeper into destruction. It was very hard for me and for my therapist. Lalo na kapag nagkakaroon ako ng episodes. It was the hardest on the first months. Kinailangan akong ikulong sa isang kwartong walang kahit anong gamit o bagay na ikapapahamak ko. Cause I was suicidal.

Dumaan ang mga buwan at unti unti akong naging maayos. Hanggang sa bumalik na ako sa dati kong silid, at pinayagan na din akong lumabas mag-isa. Nabawasan ang mga sessions namin, hanggang sa tuluyan ko ng nakontrol ang emosyon ko. No one is completely healed when they had Mental disorder. It will always be present within us. I wasn't cured. It was more like I managed it than erasing it.

I still have anxiety, but I can manage it now. Ganon din sa iba pa, pero lahat ay nakakaya ko ng labanan. I learn to embrace my flaws and love myself more.

Isa sa mga tumatak sa akin ay yung sinabi ng therapist ko sa kalagitnaan ng isang session namin.

"You are too dependent to him. Your dreams and future... all, includes him. Hindi ka na nagkaroon ng sariling desisyon. You always consider him to the point that your world revolves around him. Tell me, was that the right thing to do? Ang gawing mundo ang dapat na parte lang ng buhay mo?"

That was like a slap on my face. That woke me up real good. I didn't even realized those before she said it to me. Nung mga panahon na 'yon, nagkaroon pa ako ng flashbacks ng lahat ng ginawa kong pagbabago para mas maging pabor kay Santi ang sitwasyon.

It wasn't his fault though. It was mine. I decided to consider him in every choice I have in life. It was my decision to include him in every step I took. Kaya nang maghiwalay kami, gumunaw ang mundo ko.

My therapist was right. Hindi ko dapat ginawang mundo ang taong dapat parte lang ng buhay ko.

"Hey, you're spacing out again. The cookies were done. You must take them out of the oven to cool them off."