German Boy

Chapter 30: I Love You

Even if he already told me what he's currently feeling, I still wonder what can it actually be like when you're experiencing Capgras Syndrome which he just claimed he has. How does it feel to look at your mom, your dad, your three sisters, and your best friend who has had a crush on you since she was six years old: all as impostors of the real them?

I can't imagine myself suffering from it. As to what he said, he also feels the urge to investigate and look for the real me, when I am just right in front of him, staring and admiring him, while he is thinking that I replaced... none other than myself.

This is the first time that I heard about that disease. And worse, from the guy I'm trying to impress by being the other version of me. who turns out, has a seriously weird disorder at the moment. I know, I'm completely dumb when I asked him, "Will this kill you?"

"I don't know. Right now, I don't think it would. But if I can't control it anymore and if I've gotten too far, I might really end my own life or it might end when someone kills me if I get myself involved in some illegal acts just because I think everyone around me are an impostor." It hurts my ear to hear that he might soon be ending his own life.

I don't want that to happen. "Is there a cure for this?"

"Therapy is the only one." I sighed. I'm wondering if he is thinking that I'm plotting an evil thing to do to him. Or does he think that I am pathetically acting like the real Jaraiah? Or maybe, he's convincing himself that it's me.

"Since when did you find out?" I asked.

"Last two years." I looked into his shiny eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me? Or... or anyone."

"Do you think if you were in my place you would want people to know that you're an overthinking-overreacting guy? I wanted to tell you the day I figured it out. But I was scared that you won't understand and you will laugh at me, think it was a joke and then you will get mad at me for throwing a joke like this, pretending that I have a disorder!"

His words were not hurtful. But in some way, it did hurt me. this is not the time for me to feel this way. But what can I do when those words he stated hit me in a way they shouldn't?

"Are you saying you think I am that immature?" The sides of my eyes began to heat up. I feel like any time, I might lose control and let the water slide out of them.

His worried face quickly turned to something that I cannot describe.

"No, no, no. It's not like that... you don't understand. It's different, it's different when you have this trust issue that isn't a trust issue, but your brain is just telling you to not believe what you hear, it... it's... it's different, Jace."

And there he was, calling me by my second name, again.

I was trying to understand him. But it hurts to keep track of all this information. This is too much information. "But why did you think that I will laugh at you when you confess this to me?"

"Because of Capgras, this crap! It comes with dementia! It is a product of dementia when you forget about things but mine happened in the worst good way. I didn't forget about anyone but I'm trying to forget about the ones I love by looking at them as fake people. And it's weirder than you think."

He paused for a moment, looking straight into my eyes, then continued.

"You don't know how much time it took me to gather this much courage to explain this stupid thing to you! Because coming out to people hits different when you have Capgras Syndrome." His voice is calmer now, a way to calm me down too and make me sadder at the same time.

I don't want to look into his eyes, because I am hurting myself when I do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. Should I comfort him? Darn, I'm not good at that.

"I'm sorry," the words just automatically came out of my mouth. He frowned, which made me realize that I need to give him context.

"For not being considerate. I should have considered what you feel and what you're going through but instead-" my words were cut-off when he leaned forward, and his lips crashed on mine.

How should I explain a first kiss?

Cute?

Hot?

Intimate?

Romantic?

Unexpected?

Because I forgot to speak when he did that at the most unexpected time. He was confessing what he was going through and told me the truth that he looks at me like I am an impostor. But now his lips are on mine. At that moment, I figured out that sometimes, five seconds can feel like five hours.

I wanted to close my eyes but I can't. I was too shocked to make a move. Because Ven Bottcher just kissed me.

He slowly backed away without opening his eyes, and when he did, he gave a slight smile. "I love you, Jaraiah, and I always would. I just never knew how would I show it to you."

I love you, Jaraiah.

I love you, Jaraiah.

I love you, Jaraiah.

The same phrase repeated over and over again inside my head. I've heard those three words before. From my friends, from my mom, from Uncle Jerry, and movies, but when Ven said it, the phrase was more magical than it was supposed to be.

"I love you, and I hope, that it's you. That I'm loving the real person. Not an impostor," he was about to burst into tears again when he rested his head on my shoulders. I was shocked, but this time, it felt different. I knew how to act. Because I've seen this in my fake scenarios before. Not just in this way.

Part of me wishes that this was just really a fake scenario when he confessed his condition to me. but now, that he confessed his love for me, I wish that this will stay forever. Although I know, that there is a chance that Ven is scared of me. thinking that I might do something evil to him.

Out of all the love languages, physical touch is the one I like the least. But I realized that sometimes, I should consider it. I rested my chin on his head and began rubbing his back as I whispered in his ears, "I love you too, Ven. More than how much you know," in my fake scenarios, when I said those words, they were so romantic. But now, my words sound disappointed. Like... I didn't want this thing to happen.

Yes, I didn't. Because it makes me aware that one day, Ven might end his own life.