Then and Now: Always yours

Chapter Fifteen

Alice - Now

I sat crying uncontrollably as Liv rubbed my back in a desperate attempt to console me. "Oh Alice I'm so sorry" she soothed in my ear as she pulled me into a hug. How was this even happening, how could Sasha lie to us both for so long. Had he really not known about Sam all this time?

"Why don't you go home Alice? You can take the rest of the week off if you like?" Claire's voice drew my attention and I suddenly remembered I was still sat in my studio. I looked up at her through my tears and shook my head.
"I can't go home like this, I don't want Sam to see me upset" I hiccuped as I spoke. I'd never told them who Sam's dad was, just that he was never in the picture. Claire gave me a concerned nod before she sat down in my desk chair and glanced over at me with a worried expression on her face.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Liv's soft voice spoke quietly.
"Not really" I shrugged. I don't think I was ready to relive those painful memories. "Sorry, it's just..." I trailed off as she cut in
"It's okay, you don't have to" she smiled back at me and I found myself suddenly wanting to open up to them both.
"It's just been a long time since I let myself think about it all I guess. I was only nineteen when I fell pregnant with Sam. Jackson was the love of my life, we'd never planned to get pregnant so young but I'd hoped we'd make it work. He was always there for me, no matter what. Except this time he wasn't" I sobbed silently as liv and Claire kept their eyes on me. "Now I don't know what to believe. How could someone lie about something like this? My son has grown up not knowing his father because she was jealous? She wanted him? And we both believed her? What does that say about us?" The tears began again.
"I think it says that you both respected the others wishes even if it caused you pain" Claire interjected. I guess I'd never thought about it like that.

I took another twenty minutes to pull myself together before I left the studio to head home. As the cool air hit my face I felt a bit of relief. I stopped for a moment and closed my eyes, taking the chance to let the cool breeze wash over me as if it were washing my troubles away. I crossed the road and began my usual walk home when I found myself on autopilot to the hotel that I knew Jackson was staying at. I stopped outside the tall white stone building before I found the courage to walk up the steps and into the lobby. My new found courage wavered as I approached the desk and instead I detoured towards the bar. Maybe some Dutch courage would help. I placed my order for a rum and coke and turned to look for an empty table. A solemn figure sat at the table in the far corner caught my eye. Jackson. I turned back towards the bar and downed my drink before ordering myself another which earned me a raised eyebrow from the bartender. As I slowly made my way over to Jackson's table I could see he was nursing what looked like a large glass of whiskey.
"Can I sit?" My voice came out strained, my throat was still sore from all the crying I had done. His eyes darted up in shock as he immediately stood from his seat, his red rimmed eyes meeting my own.
"Alice!" He said my name as if it was an answer to a prayer. "Please sit down" he gestured to the empty seat and he retuned to his own. We sat in silence for the first few minutes, just staring at each other as if our gaze alone would hold some sort of answers.
"I'm so sorry Alice. I'm so sorry I left you" he looked so pained. "I should never have believed her, and even though I did, I should have come to you. I should have spoken to you in person. I was a coward" he held his head in shame.
"I'm sorry too" I whispered and I think I actually meant it. For the first time in years it didn't feel right to blame him for all of this mess. "I believed her too" I sobbed. I began to silently cry again as I felt two warm arms wrap around me. The familiar warmth that I used to be so accustomed to engulfed me and I welcomed it.
"Can we go to my room and talk. I think we are drawing a bit of attention here?" He whispered in my ear without pulling away. I nodded my head as I let him go and hurried to wipe away my fresh tears. His gaze was still on me, he looked as utterly broken as I felt. He pulled out his wallet and chucked some money on the table before standing and ushering me out into the lobby. I suddenly froze and he looked back at me in fear.
"She's not going to be?" I asked, not needing to elaborate more.
"No. She's gone" he answered with a grim expression before we continued our walk to the lifts.

Once we were safety inside his suite and away from prying eyes I could see him begin to relax. I on the other hand felt more tense than I had at the bar.
"What's the matter? Apart from the obvious?" He asked as he shot me a confused look. I didn't know how to answer without sounding ridiculous. "Alice I just want to talk, that's why I've asked you up here" he spoke softly. I felt a blush cover my cheeks. I pushed my nerves aside and walked over to take a seat on one of the sofas. He watched me warily before sitting down in the armchair. I sensed he'd sat there to give me some space. I'm pretty sure he knew exactly how I was feeling right about now.
"Can you tell me about him?" His question brought a welcomed smile to my lips as I thought about my son. Our son.
"He's kind, and ridiculously smart. His favourite colour is green. He likes to read comics, he isn't really into sports. Last year he broke his wrist playing rugby and decided that it wasn't for him. He never fails to make me smile, he doesn't always say much but he listens. Sometimes I think he's older than he really is" I chuckle to myself as I think about him.
"He knows I'm his dad?" He states more than asks but I confirm this for him.
"Yes. I made a promise to myself that I'd never lie to him about you. He had a right to know so when the time came and he asked who his father was, I told him" he let out a long sigh
"I expect he hates me for abandoning him. I'd hate me if I were him" his expression turned dark.
"Sam doesn't hate you. I told him that you loved him very much but that you couldn't be with us because you had to move away. He understands, he doesn't feel bitter about it"
"You named him Samson. After my dad" he smiled as his eyes son with emotion as they watched me.
"Yes I did. Your dad was the only father figure I ever knew. I wanted my son to be named after someone who he could aspire to be like" I smiled "I took Sam to see him, just before he died. He got to meet his grandson" his eyes darted up to meet mine "you did?" He asked in shock.
"I wanted him to know Sam, I was convinced even if you didn't want to be a part of our lives that your dad would still want to know his grandchild" I smiled at the memory. We'd kept my pregnancy a secret from our parents. I only told my mum after Jackson had left for America and I guess he never told his dad. I remember the shock on his face when I turned up on his doorstep with a baby a year after Jackson had left, a week later I'd heard the terrible news that he had been in a car accident.
"I'm glad he got to meet him. Me and my dad had drifted apart a bit after I left, he didn't like the idea of me just up and leaving you. I couldn't bring myself to tell him about the pregnancy. I was hurt, I thought you didn't want me or the baby and I was too ashamed to tell him" his admission caught me off guard. It had never crossed my mind, the effect this would of had on him and his dad's relationship.
"He called me a couple of days before the accident but I was too busy to pick up. He left me a message telling me I needed to call you, that I had to put my ego aside and reach out to you before I lost too much time. I never understood what he meant"
"Sam" I whispered and watched as he nodded
"I'm guessing that call came not too long after your visit. He must of thought I was a monster to leave my son" he began to sob and I couldn't stop myself from running over to comfort him. His dad had died thinking his son had abandoned his own child. I could never take away that pain. It was my turn to wrap my arms around him as we both let our tears flow.