Then and Now: Always yours

Chapter Nineteen

Alice - Now

It had been three days since I'd last seen Jackson. The look on his face when I left his hotel room almost broke me. I needed space to get my head together and process everything that had happened, I had almost changed my mind as soon as I got home I had the sudden urge to call him and talk things over but I'd thought better if it. I needed to calm my nerves first and then I needed to talk to Sam.
My son was incredibly switched on and it wasn't lost on me that he knew exactly who Jackson was when he met him in my studio. He hadn't said a word about it since and part of me knew that in some way he probably knew I wasn't ready for that conversation. Three days had past and it was about time I bit the bullet and talked to him about his father. I wandered down our small hallway and peered into his room to see him sat on the bed reading a comic. A small smile covered my face as I watched his brow furrow slightly as he flicked through the pages. His sandy blonde hair fell in front of his face and he pushed it out the way with his hand. The involuntary movement reminded me of Jackson, he would do the exact same with his hair. My heart ached at how alike they were. Their eyes, smile and simple mannerisms. When I looked up again I found his cool blue eyes watching me and I tried my best to not look upset. I needed to be strong for him.
"It's time to talk about dad isn't it?" He asked simply as he closed his comic and set it down on his bed. I let out a breath I didn't realise I had been holding in as I nodded back at him before heading over and sitting on the end of his bed.
"Sweetheart I want you to know that I love you so very much" I started not really knowing what words to say to my six year old son about the situation.
"So is he back?" He asked, his voice was flat. Serious in fact. I took his small hand in mine and gave it a squeeze.
"Sam I need to tell you something that I don't really understand myself...your dad, I thought he knew about you...but it would seem that we were both lied to by someone we trusted. That person lied to me and your dad and that's the reason he left. He didn't know you existed" my voice was shaky as I spoke. I didn't know if this was the right thing to be saying but I felt strongly that he deserved the truth.
"Why would someone lie?" He asked me confused.
"I don't know sweetheart. I think maybe they wanted your dad to move to America and pursue his music career and me and you stood in the way of that" I let out another sigh. I'd come to the realisation that I could no longer stay angry at Jackson. He was as much a victim in all this as me and Sam were.
"So he wants to be in our lives again now?" He asked, his voice remained flat.
"Yes I think so. I need to talk to him properly but he wants to be in your life. He's missed out on so much time with you" I looked down at him as he contemplated what I said "but Sam, if you're not ready then that's okay. It's up to you at the end of the day" I smiled down at him hoping he knew I really meant it.
"I think I'd like to know him" he smiled at me as he picked up his comic and flicked through it to find his page.
"Okay then. I'll talk to him" I stood up feeling slightly unsure if I'd handled this conversation the right way. He began to read through his comic in silence so I got up and quietly walked towards his door.
"Mum?" His small voice halted me as I turned back to face him "I'm sorry the persons lies hurt you" the compassion this small boy was showing just broke my heart and before I knew it I was engulfing him in a hug as fresh tears fell down my cheeks.
"I love you mum" he whispered in my ear as I sobbed.
"I love you too baby"

Later that evening I decided to make the call to Jackson's hotel and left a message at the desk for them to pass on my number with a message to call me when he had chance. I didn't know if he'd even have my number and his had most likely changed. I let out a long shaky breath as I set my phone down on the kitchen table and poured myself a large glass of wine while I waited. He might not even call back tonight but I couldn't help but be filled with nerves. As I replaced the bottle of wine back into the fridge the sound of my phone ringing startled me. As I slowly looked at the screen a number I didn't recognise appeared on the screen.
"Hello?" I answered tentatively as I took a seat at the breakfast bar.
"Alice" Jackson's voice breathed down the phone and relief flooded me. "I'd began to think you weren't going to reach out" he admitted and a wave of guilt filled my stomach.
"Sorry...I, I just..." I began to mumble before he cut me off "I understand, but I am glad you called. I haven't stopped thinking about you, or Sam" I felt a smile creep onto my face and I immediately stopped myself. No matter what the circumstances were with our breakup I couldn't just let myself get swept away with him again. I had Sam to think of now.
"We have a lot to talk about" I stated.
"I can come over if you like? Or you can come here?" He offered. I felt the butterflies return.
"Im not sure that's such a great idea. I can't leave Sam so tonight isn't an option anyway" I sighed hoping he would let it go. I didn't trust myself to meet with him here or at his place. Not after the other day.
"Alice I swear to you I just want to talk. Let me come over please?" He pleaded with me and I felt my resolve weaken.
"I don't know Jackson. Sam's here, it's just"
"I just want to talk to you Alice. I have so many questions, I've missed so much" he sounded desperate. I know this wasn't his fault and if I were in his position I'd want the same. "I just don't know if it might be better to do it somewhere else, more neutral ground maybe?" I suggested.
"I'm kind of trying to keep a low profile whilst I'm here. I know I'm not the most recognised celebrity but this isn't the sort of conversation I want to have in public"
Damn he was right. How did I keep forgetting he was famous. The last thing I wanted was someone leaking a story to the press about us. "Okay"
"Okay?" He questioned.
"You can come over. I'll text you my address" I ran my hands up the stem of my wine glass. What was I getting myself into.
"Okay great, this is my personal number so you can always get me on this one" of course he had more than one number. I felt an ache at how we'd drifted apart over all these years. I'd never of thought there would be a time when we didn't have each others numbers anymore.
"I'll see you soon. Knock the door instead of ringing the bell when you get here. Sam might be in bed"
"Okay, I'll see you soon, and Alice...thank you"