Then and Now: Always yours

Chapter Twenty Three

Alice - Now

I glanced down at my watch, it was almost two thirty in the morning. We'd completely lost track of time talking and just generally reminiscing about our childhood and happier times. We'd stopped drinking wine at least although my head still lightly buzzed. I knew we should call it a night and I ought to go to bed but I couldn't deny I was enjoying spending this time with him. There was still some questions I wanted to ask him but I was afraid to ruin the lighthearted mood that had encompassed us.
"So how long until you ask me what you really want to know?" He smirked over with that cheeky smile that I used to love. I couldn't help but laugh at his boldness, I guess he could still read me like a book.
"Okay okay; but if it ruins the mood then I'm blaming you" I chuckled as I repositioned myself on the sofa so I was sat cross legged facing him. "You said when you first moved away that you weren't in a good place. What exactly do you mean by that?" I asked tentatively as I surveyed his reaction. He let out a long sigh and reached out for the glass of water of the coffee table. Good job it wasn't still wine we were drinking as he knocked it back in one. As he began talking he kept his eyes on the glass in front of him. I could tell this was a painful topic for him.
"When I got to America I was all over the place. I was reeling from you leaving me, your rejection of me and our child. Or what I thought at the time was rejection, well it messed me up. I started drinking quite a lot. I'd met a lot of new people in the business and there were a lot of parties and stuff. I guess I was kind of a mess" I winced as I thought about my mums drinking habits when I was growing up. Jackson saw first hand how that effected me and I was shocked to hear he'd fallen into such a bad way.
"After my dad died it got worse. A lot worse. It wasn't just drink I turned to anymore" he whispered, still unable to meet my eye.
"Drugs?" I asked horrified. The Jackson I knew would never have gotten mixed up in drink and drugs. He nodded.
"I'm ashamed to say it but it consumed my life for over a year. I almost lost everything, my music, Sasha's dad was ready to cut me loose and wash his hands of me. She wouldn't let him though. The last couple of years she helped me through it. Got me clean: I've not touched drugs since and I don't have a drinking problem, I know how that sounds Alice but I swear I'm not an alcoholic. It's just that party lifestyle that I need to stay away from. Getting over you, I was messed up" he was looking at me now deadly serious. I was in complete shock. When he talked about his past it was like he was talking about someone else because the Jackson I knew would never even think about doing drugs let alone became an addict. Did I want my son around someone like that.
"I know what you must think of me, but I swear to you I'm okay now" he pleaded with me but I still felt uneasy.
"How can you be sure? Jackson this is a big deal, I don't want Sam to be caught up in something like this. I don't want him to go through what I went through" I felt so conflicted. In one hand I understood how messed up he felt. He thought I left him and that I didn't want our baby. But on the other, he still made those choices, what if when things got tough he made those choices again?
"Alice please, I swear to you I would never ever touch that stuff again. I could have easily lied and not said anything but I respect you too much for that. I want us to work things out. Alice I want to be in Sam's life. I want to be in your life and I'm willing to do whatever you need me to to prove that" he sounded desperate and I really did want to believe him. Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt?
"I just don't understand, if you were so upset about how we ended things, why didn't you ever call?" I asked, trying to understand. He ran his hand through his hair and let out a sigh
"I guess I was scared you wouldn't answer. As far as I knew you didn't want me. I thought you would have moved on so that's what I tried to do. I partied, hooked up with girls and tried to fill that void that you left. Sounds pretty stupid now I guess" he huffed. I winced at the thought of his sleeping around with countless women.
"I hadn't moved on. No one ever came close to what you meant to me" I admitted without even meaning to. He looked at me in shock.
"So no boyfriends over the years?" He asked sounding surprised. I shook my head.
"Nope, I haven't even had a date. Having a baby at nineteen and then trying to forge a career whilst being a single mum kind of takes over your life" I chuckled. I glanced over to him but he just started back in shock.
"So the other night when we....that was??" He couldn't quite get the words out.
"Yes. Jackson you're the one and only notch on my bedpost. I know that's kind of sad but I honestly didn't have time for a love life. I still don't" I smirked.
"I wish I had known...I would have, I dunno" he trailed off.
"Made it special?" I laughed "believe me it was exactly what it needed to be. Jackson I meant it when I said I didn't regret it, but just to be clear I don't plan on a repeat anytime soon" was that even true? I know part of me didn't believe a word I was saying. Jackson O'Donnell would always hold a piece of my heart.
"I just can't help but feel like I've betrayed you somehow. I was the one who left. I moved on, lived my life and you have been here alone. I hate that I've put you through this" he admitted sadly.
"But you didn't. Sasha did this to us. I'll never forgive her for it but Jackson I don't blame you. Not anymore" I answered truthfully, how could I blame him when he was just as much a victim in this as me.