55 || everything is temporary

68 8 19
                                    

{CW: depression, mentions of suicidal thoughts}

| CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE
| everything is temporary

| CHAPTER FIFTY-FIVE| everything is temporary

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ᴏᴀᴋʟᴇʏ ᴄᴀʀɪʟʟᴏ

"Are you hungry?" Nolan asked, removing his head from where it was resting atop mine. I shook my head against his shoulder, continuing to pick at the pills on my sweater.

The past few weeks had drained me. I'd spent my time practicing for Sonarstice, shooting the music video for Lovestruck, doing interviews and a few photoshoots. Everything was going so well, until it wasn't.

The first signs came a week ago, when I couldn't for the life of me get out of bed to go to rehearsal. I ended up telling my band I was sick, and I hadn't shown my face anywhere since.

Nolan was by my side the entire time, coming over every single day that week and staying over the past few nights to make sure I had everything I needed—which wasn't much.

"What did you have for breakfast?" he asked, repositioning himself so he could sit more upright. I relaxed into his arms again, closing my eyes. I didn't want to talk. I just wanted to lay here like this.

"I don't remember," I answered honestly, my voice a little hoarse from not having talked all day. Every thought and event had now blurred together. I'd lost track of reality, not knowing whether my last breakfast of dry cereal was this morning or two days ago.

"If you want anything, I'll make sure you get it. Even if I have to go to the grocery store ten times a day."

"You don't have to do that."

"I know. But I want to." He pushed some of the tangled bird's nest of hair out of my face with a timid smile.

"Why?" I asked, closing my eyes.

"Because I love you."

I was starting to forget what that felt like. Everything was like a dream. I was aware of everything happening around me, but something consistently felt odd as my feelings were filtered out of every single one of these experiences. They were stuck behind this bulletproof glass wall; they were right there, but I had no way to access them.

In the state I was in, it wouldn't feel fair to relay the word back at him, so I squeezed his hand softly. I wasn't looking at his face, but I could imagine a soft, lazy smile on it.

"I'm gonna go pee," I said so he would let me out of his deathly grip. As I stood up, the world spun. For a moment I couldn't tell up from down or left from right, until Nolan's hand held onto mine, and the world gradually started to slow down.

"Please eat something," he begged, grabbing a box of protein bars he'd bought and holding it out in front of me. The box had wrinkled due to his clasp on the thing, and he looked at me with such desperation in his eyes that I was getting worried.

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