Petal [h.s.]

EPILOGUE I - THE JOURNAL

179 days without Arabella

I stared at myself in the mirror, unblinking.

The tuxedo I had on felt more like a straitjacket, like I was being restrained and choked and killed slowly inside of its too-tight material. I gained muscle in the time between my first fitting and this one-and I could hear the tailor sigh in frustration when he saw how ill-fitting my tux had become. This was supposed to be my last fitting before the wedding and I had fucked it up by surfing. But surfing was the only thing I had to distract me from the reality of my life.

The reality that I was getting married to someone that I didn't love. Someone I couldn't love.

I hated the way I looked in this suit. I hated it so much that I scowled at myself in the mirror and stormed away from the tailor, needing to get it off of my body immediately. I clawed at it desperately, not caring if I tore or ruined it. My father could certainly afford whatever it cost to fix another one of my messes. I couldn't be here any longer, couldn't stand to keep playing along in these cruel games. I heard the tailor calling after me as I pushed my sunglasses onto my face and walked right out of the shop. I knew I would hear from my dad shortly, but I didn't care.

I climbed into the driver's seat of my car and, as always, my mind went right to her.

Arabella.

It had been 179 days since she left and there wasn't a single second that passed when I didn't think of her. I missed her in a visceral way, in a way that I hadn't experienced since I mourned my mum. It was a tight fist in the pit of my stomach, punching me over and over again. It was a dagger to my heart, twisting and plunging as deep as it could. It felt like I had lost a part of me when she left. It felt like I was nothing but disconnected static without her near.

When I closed my eyes, I could still see the way her hair flew around her face as she stuck her head out of the U-haul window, watching me watch her leave forever. That memory was burned into my brain-I could still see the tears on her pink cheeks, I could see the blue of the sky behind her, I could see the way she watched me. It was so intense that it felt as if she were standing inches from me instead of driving away. I stayed there, watching the truck until they finally made a turn and it was gone. I stayed there long after it had disappeared from my sight.

I stayed there until Jessie came to bring me back home. I remember the concern on her face as I trembled and shook in the passenger seat of her car. I remember the warmth of her hand as she touched my own, which was freezing cold and yet clammy at the same time. I remember the way she led me to my flat and put me into bed, perching on the edge of it as I cried myself to sleep. She didn't say a word, she didn't try to touch me or comfort me, she just sat there with me.

The first month was hard, but it wasn't awful because Arabella and I talked on the phone all the time. We FaceTimed during mundane activities and planned nights where we'd watch movies together. I went out to look at the moon every night. She sat on the beach every morning and watched the surfers.