Him and I

Of fickleness and fidelity

Love is a funny thing. The more we try to avoid it, the more it clings on to us. It arrives in front of us in the most unexpected of manners, taking us by surprise, and making us lose focus. But love is capricious and fickle. The moment you try to embrace it, it understands your need for it and disappears from your life. That's why Phayu didn't do love. He had skirted close to the border a few times, but had pulled himself away from that slippery slope at the right time. It was not that he didn't believe in love. Having grown up in a family like his, not believing in love was something out of the question. He had seen the consistency and passion with which the Theerpanayakul brothers loved their partners, and he badly wanted to be a part of that himself one day.

However, seeing how people only approached him for who he was and not what he was irritated the fuck out of him, and kept him on his toes, hating the fact that he was a target. But what the hell had happened earlier today? What was that feeling that he had got when he had seen Varain Kirigun? Why had he felt like that? There were so many questions running in his head. But unlike Pai, who tended to be vocal about his feelings, who wore his heart on his sleeve, who fell in love more often than not, Phayu was one who would internalise. He would keep his emotions in check, and bottled up inside him. But this was something that had never happened to him before. No one had made him question his convictions before. He wanted to spew and vent, rant and rave, but he didn't know who he could talk to.

He was jolted out of his musings by a knock on his door. "Come in," he called out. "Are you sure you are okay to see me?" his Dad stuck his head into the room. "Of course Dad! You are always welcome!" he said. Vegas came in and closed the door. "Can I ask what is troubling my boy? Do you want to talk or just sit in silence?" Both Phayu and Pai were homebodies. They loved and were loved in return. So they often came home, despite moving out after starting at Uni, since the estate was too far for daily commute. Not that the boys would have minded, but medical school was tough, and they didn't want to waste any time. But when Phayu had come back home, looking troubled, on a Monday afternoon, no less, Pete and Porche had been worried. But he had not said anything and gone off to his room.

Vegas looked around the room. It was the room where his boy had grown up, spent his formative years, and then his teens. He had been a charming boy and a precocious teen. While he had never gotten into any major trouble, he had mostly used his good looks and sweet talking to slide out of situations that most people would find themselves embarrassed to be in. Now it was the room of a young man perched on the edge of adulthood. While the child in Phayu did raise his head at the most inopportune times, he had mostly matured and Vegas and Pete could not be prouder of him. Pete had pestered Vegas to find out what had put that troubled look on their son's face. Usually, it was Pete who pried stuff out of Phayu, but this time, Pete was reluctant to ask the questions.

"So silence or talking?" Vegas asked Phayu again. This was a childhood game they had. They would either talk and strategise important matters, or sit in companionable silence, till Phayu decided to talk. "Talk Dad," Phayu said. "So what's bothering you lu?" Vegas asked. "Dad, before I answer that, can I ask you a question?" Phayu asked. "Of course." "What is love Dad?" Vegas was taken aback. Not exactly the question he was expecting, but okay. 'How to answer this one?' he thought to himself, but then decided to be honest. "Love is when the person in front of you makes your heart beat faster, when you find peace in their presence, when each moment with them feels like perfection and without them like hell, when one look from them can melt your defences. They become the face you want to see first thing when you wake up in the morning, and the last face you want to see before you go sleep," he explained to his son.

"And Dad? Love at first sight? Is it even a thing?" Phayu asked. "That you must ask your Uncle Kit. He always says he fell in love with your Uncle Thankhun at first sight. And trust me, Khun Nu is not the easiest person to handle most of the times," Vegas laughed. "What about you and Pa?" "Well your Pa is a psychiatrist, as you know. The first time we met, he told me that I should think about committing myself to an asylum, because I was crazy! So I told him that I was crazy about him. I earned a slap on the head, and a partner for life, so no regrets!" Vegas couldn't stop smiling at the memory. "So was it love at first sight?" "More like lust at first sight lu," Vegas laughed. "Wait, what?" "Have you seen your Pa? He is so cute still, and he was just as cute then! I was very attracted to him, asked him out on a date. Like you, I had enough of people throwing themselves at me because of my name, but your Pa wouldn't give me the time of the day!" Vegas smiled at the memory.