My MC partner | Jungwon |

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟒𝟒: 𝐏𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞, 𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐞

By the time we stopped talking, Jungwon had already become a very special person in my life, so when I found out that he wasn't getting enough time to rest and even spent sleepless nights, it really broke my heart. I know how much effort he puts into everything he does and how strong he is, which is why it really took me by surprise when he started crying in front of me.

When I saw him fall apart, it did something to me I can't explain. All I could think about was what could I do to stop his tears. Maybe it was my longing to have him close after so long, maybe it was my love for him that was telling me to comfort him, or maybe it was something else entirely but before I realized what I was doing, I pulled him into my arms, placing his head into the curve of my neck as I heard him sob.

I had a split second when I thought: "What am I doing? He doesn't want me near him and he clearly told me that." However, I decided to shut down my brain entirely. For once I didn't want to think of that night. I just wanted to do what felt right, regardless of the current situation. And wrapping my arms around him to make him know that I cared felt right.

From that day, when we have enough time we give up on our script rehearsals and we use that time to rest. Sometimes I even talk to him at least a bit because he insists on hearing my voice before falling asleep. If he wants me to do that for him, why did he tell me to stop meeting? Does the fact that he wants to hear my voice mean that he still likes me?

It is both thrilling and painful to have these meetings with him like we used to do in the past when we would make each other happy just with our company. Now I look forward to rehearsals because I know I'll see him and be the one to help him feel better... Is it bad to think like that? Maybe, but it's all I have, even if it is all just a fantasy that ends once any of us leave the room.

Every time we meet I know how I'm going to feel afterwards (full of uncertainty about Jungwon's feelings for me) and I wonder if it's worth hiding how I really feel and overlooking the true side of our relationship. However, when I look into his eyes, nothing else matters and for a moment I forget about everything that worries me. I just enjoy my time with the one I love.

I desperately want to understand what his recent behavior towards me means. He has literally been contradicting himself by agreeing to our secret meetings or simply by wanting my company... Either way I'm glad that what we are doing is helping him to get some rest. I am willing to do anything to preserve his well-being, even if that means tearing me apart a little.

"Should I stop talking?" I asked him after a long time talking about what I did the day before.

"No, your voice is very soothing." He mumbled already at the verge of dozing off.

I recall that I felt my cheeks flushed because of his comment about my voice. Things like that make me want to just settle for what we are doing. I just want to see this option as the only one left for us but I can't. I can't just let it slide, first I need to know his true feelings for me. I need him to say: yes, I like you or no, I don't like you. I have decided I don't want to be stuck in the middle forever.

Taking into account the above, last week I finally had the courage to say something. I managed to face the truth of the situation. For this I didn't complain to him saying things like: "Because of what you did I felt so sad during the days after" or "You were wrong for doing it." No, because that wasn't my purpose, all I wanted was an honest answer from him, therefore I took a deep breath and asked.

"Jungwon... why don't you like me anymore? Why did you tell me that?" I suddenly inquired him, just when we were about to wrap up the reading of the script.

"It's not like that... I already explained you why we-" Jungwon started saying but I interrupted him.

"No, I don't mean the reasons you gave me. I am talking about the phrase that you yourself uttered. You clearly said that it was you who didn't want to meet up with me anymore... and then, once you were back and we saw each other again after a whole month without any kind of conversation between us, you acted as if everything was normal but it isn't, ok?" I utter a bit louder than my usual voice tone. I guess I couldn't help to let it all out.