Arrangement : with the gang leader

32

Getting to the room I begin to feel the load of everything that's been happening around me. Right from the time T and I started having issues to her telling me the reason to Damien and everything surrounding him to my spiritual journey and my past.

I drop to my knees and just let it out. It's not a heart wrenching cry but just a release of load kind. In between the tears I begin to pray. I ask God for guidance. This is beyond me. I really like Damien but I don't like what he does and the lifestyle he leads with all the women – I refuse to be just another one of his girls.

On the other hand, I love T. She's my sister, not just a friend. Yet she's in love with the very same crowd I shouldn't be around. I know she won't just let him go and that means she's stuck in the life of gangsterism as well, whether she acknowledges this or not.

The life of gangsterism is not a life I want for myself. It's not a life I wish to be involved in again. When I closed that chapter, I closed it for good. I won't go back there. I won't put my family through that again.

I cry out to God not just for guidance but for protection, comfort, peace of mind, a heart of gold and for the ability to let go. This whole thing has made me realise that I have not completely let go of the past.

I pray for T, in whichever decision she chooses to make. She'll always be my sister but if push comes to shove, I will let her go.

The door opens right as I say "Amen". I'm still on the ground. I've cried out all the tears I had in me and all I was doing now is breathing and letting God take control. I don't know what that looks like but I hope it will be a journey I won't lose myself to.

"Love" he says as he bends down to sit next to me.

I don't say anything so he just takes me into his arms and holds me. It's moments like these when I'm in battle with my heart and mind. Being in his arms feels so perfect, so right. But obviously sin will feel good. I sigh.

"I can't do this Damien – this arrangement" I say looking up at him.

"She's nobody" he says.

I sigh, "It's not just about her. It's everything."

"You know this has become more than just an arrangement Lerato" my name just rolls off his tongue like butter on a hot pan.

I look at him with a bit of shock. I didn't think he felt the same way. I mean, he acts like he cares sometimes and we've spending quite a lot of time together since he came back, it's been good. I just never thought he took us seriously like that.

You can't blame me, he's a bit of a... hoe. I don't know who said men can't be classified as hoes because there's so many of them. On men it's cool and attractive to people but when women do it it's disgusting. It's all the same for me. I hate knowing that he's a womaniser.

I carried on with whatever was happening between us because it was merely an arrangement and nothing serious beyond that. I knew it wouldn't go further than foreplay for a couple reasons, one being one of the reasons my last relationship was on rocky shores.

So I never worried about STD's and things of the kind. Also, he seems to have good hygiene.

"Why do you look shocked. I know you feel what I feel because the connection is too strong to just ignore. I tried, fuck, trust me I tried but I just can't keep pretending like you're not mine. And I tend to keep it that way" he says.

"You're a gangster Shadow!" I raise my voice a bit louder but not too loud.

"It's Damien to you" he twitches with a hint of anger in his voice, "And I know but like I told you, that part of my life won't interfere with anything"