"Too Innocent To Believe.." Mark X Cesar Fanfiction (NSFW + CUSSING)

Chapter 32

-MARK'S POV-
I quietly shut my door and walk to my bed. I come to the edge of it and sit down, putting my elbows on my knees and setting my head in my hands. The stupid thoughts are back. The thoughts that make me hurt myself. The thoughts that give me my depression. Cesar doesn't know it, but I've dealt with depression for a lot longer than he thinks. He thinks I've only had it since he ignored me. But the truth is, I've had it way before that. It just wasn't that severe before the hair thing happened. And I have no idea why, but this particular day, it just doesn't want to quit. The thoughts just keep repeating the same things.

"What if he doesn't love you?"

"What if he thinks you're crazy? Fucked up in the head?"

"What if he really just wants you to end it all?"

"Just do it, Mark. Nobody's gonna care anyways."

They just won't stop. And they're all about Cesar. But it makes me wonder.. what if they aren't too far off? What if Cesar is just faking his love for me? What if he really does think I'm mental?
What if he really does want me dead?
The thought has a really firm grip on my mental state, making my head spin with too many questions and not enough answers. I decide to just let myself crack, but I end up breaking down. Tears streak down my face as I quietly sob, listening to the thoughts that are now practically screaming at me.

"WHAT IF HE HATES YOU??"

"WHAT IF HE THINKS YOU'RE INSANE?? IN NEED OF A MENTAL HOSPITAL??"

"HE WANTS YOU TO DIE, MARK!!"

"CAN'T YOU SEE? HE WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER OFF IF YOU WOULD JUST-"

"Mark?"

The voice. That.. that voice. It sounds so familiar, but so foreign at the same time. It's Cesar's voice. I analyze my surroundings through my slitted, tear-filled eyes. No, it can't be him. He isn't here. He isn't in my room, helping me, comforting me. No.. he's in the other room. He thinks I'm fine. He thinks everything is okay, and that there's nothing to worry about. Maybe.. maybe there isn't anything to worry about. Maybe all of this was just destined to happen? The thoughts, and the cutting, and the suicidal thoughts. What if they were all here from the very beginning? What if I'm the cause of all the pain Cesar and I have endured throughout our relationship?

Maybe I do just need to..

Before I can even process what's happening, I'm stumbling through my bedroom and into my bathroom. My arm, which doesn't feel like mine anymore, reaches up and opens the cabinet above the mirror. I look in the mirror and watch as the tears slowly glide down my cheeks.

"God, you ugly bitch. Just suck it up."

My mind criticizes me yet again, now coming for my appearance instead of my relationship. God, I wish they could just shut up. My breath hitches as I grab one of the many pill bottles in the cabinet.

This is the only way.. the only way Cesar and I can be happy. The only way he can be happy.

I dump out the light blue pills into my hand until my entire hand is full. Should I take them one at a time? Or little by little? My breathing quickens, faster and faster, as my heart races. Holy shit. I'm actually going through with this. No, I can't do this. This isn't what Cesar wants. This isn't what I want. But the thoughts, they-

I throw my head back and bring my hand up to my mouth, dumping a majority of the pills in my mouth. Swallow after swallow, the pills fall down my throat, getting dissolved in my stomach.