Fifty Shades Forgiven

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The tiles in the great room are cold and chilly against my swollen feet, it's actually quite soothing in a way, but it doesn't appease the pulling ache in my chest. Oh why must all of his baggage accompany my fifty? I know giving him and ultimatum was selfish of me, but I can't compete for my own husbands attention all of the time, it's not just me I have to think about anymore.

As I look at out the large glass wall, I reflect on my life over the past few years. Sometimes I miss the old me. The me who was free, happy, carefree, the me who wasn't walking round in thousand dollar outfits. I couldn't be happier right now though, I am married to the love of my life, with a gorgeous little boy and my unborn daughter but is this this love and happiness worth the pain that it's causing?

I hear faint footsteps behind me, I turn my head in attempt to avoid looking at him, so he can't see tears running furiously down my cheeks. At the back of my kind, I know that this next conversation will either be the end of me and Christian, or the beginning of a new chapter in our lives.

My finger glides effortlessly across the glass, tracing the skyline of the world before me. I startle as the electric current between us runs through my skin. Christian's hands rhythmically massage my neck and shoulders. The contact feels amazing and refreshing, but I know this isn't how I should be feeling right now.

"I'm sorry. Ana, you know this was never a choice. Choosing her was never an option. I chose you Ana, I'll always chose you" he expresses deeply. I don't answer. If he chose me, she would have been out of our lives a long time ago.

"Please believe me. I love you. Our son, our baby, our life. I've told her to leave, she'll be gone first thing tomorrow. We'll go home and forget that any of this ever happened. I can't lose you Ana, I'm sorry. Really, really sorry." He pulls my body into him, my back facing his chest. As his arms are snaked around me, caressing my bump he just rocks me gently, back and fourth. Saying nothing. I place my hands on top of his, as he repeatedly strokes my belly. Can I forgive him? Can I forgive this? If I do, this is it, his last chance. I need to try, for the sake of my kids. How would they feel growing up, knowing that I didn't even give their dad a chance? Knowing that I walked out on the only man that I've ever loved. They'd grow to resent me, and I can't live with that.

I shift in his arms so that I'm facing him. His hands now resting on my hips.

"Okay. But Christian I can't keep doing this anymore. This is it now, I want her out of our lives for good. I'm sick of being stuck in a maze, trapped, with another problem to face around every corner. It's draining. I can't put our kids through that, I don't want them to constantly be in the middle of our feuds. That's not a way to grow up, I experienced that with mum and husband number three, I don't want that for Teddy and Phoebe" my voice cracks and the tears continue to flow freely. He moves his hand from my hip and wipes away my tears with his thumb. I hope he doesn't think he's got away with this. In time I'll be able to forgive, but I'll never be able to forget. He smiles down at me and his expression is one of relief.

"Come" he whispers, taking my hand, and leading me towards the kitchen. It's late, why are we going into the kitchen?

"Sit down" he orders.

I frown at him, but do as I'm told. He pulls a tie out of his back pocket. Ooh Christian wants to get kinky. He tells me to close my eyes and I comply. He ties it carefully around my head. I hear the fridge door open as he pours a liquid into what sounds like a glass. I will never get bored of hearing his wedding ring clink against the glass. Anticipation lights up my insides. Is he going to treat me to some wine? I feel his hand tilt my head back, his icy lips touch mine as he pours cold liquid in my mouth from his. Disappoint tugs at me. Not wine then? I mean, he could have let me have just a sip. That wouldn't hurt would it? With the next mouthful, I take a moment to appreciate the flavours in my mouth. It tastes like fruit water. It's sweet but bitter at the same time, incredibly refreshing. I look deep into my thoughts. In fact, it's the little intimate moments like this that I miss the most. I don't regret my kids one bit, but I do miss the time we could spend alone. I am brought back to existent as light floods into my eyes, whilst Christian removes the blindfold. His eyes are shining brightly at me.

"Let's go back, to how we were. Concentrate on us for a while. Not the stress of Elena, not the stress of work, us. This is what our relationship is missing." He whispers. He's right. As his eyes burn into me my breath hitches.

"Maybe we can re-create this again, once the baby is here, with wine next time" he adds. I know that look anywhere.

"Well Mr Grey, we're going to have to behave. Especially when we have two little ones running around" I whisper seductively.

"You're right Mrs Grey. So who do you think our daughter will take after? You or me?" His face drops as he says the word 'me', as if it would be the worst thing in the world for her to be like her dad.

"I have no idea. But I'm sure that she'll have all of the boys after her. Especially if she takes after her dad and his charm" I say sweetly. Is this too hard for him to hear? His head drops and he swallows.

"That's not something that I'm looking forward to. She will never bring a boy home, not whilst she's living under my roof" he says quickly. Oh I feel for our daughter already. He's going to be ten times more over protective of Phoebe than he ever will be with Ted. But I guess that's a mans thing. In fact, I dread the day my Teddy meets a girl. He's my baby boy, the thought of sharing him infuriates me. But I guess that this is what every parent goes through, right?

"So? Shall we go back to bed, and make the most of the free time we do have before you have to share me with another little lady?" He whispers in my ear. This is what I'm talking about.

I've missed this.