Fifty Shades Forgiven

Balancing the bad

16th June

I've felt fear, I've felt fear in every way possible, to the point that I'm no longer afraid of what's in front of me anymore. I've stared into the face of death enough times to know that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. And I am, I'm the toughest that I've ever been, because I have the strongest, most courageous man who is behind me every step of the way. But lately, I've found myself lost in my own dreams. My version of hell that I can't escape and a place where my fifty can't come to my rescue. I'm isolated by a sea of nightmares that drown me every time that I close my eyes. I knew the stress of recent events were going to be hard to deal with, but I thought I was strong enough to face it. I have to be, for Christian, for Theodore, and for our daughter.

The credits come to a close on Finding Nemo, Theodore's current favourite movie, and my little boy is suddenly back in the world of distractions. He throws himself off the couch and holds his hand out for me to follow him. I smile at his innocent face, his lips parted slightly showing his tiny teeth, his eyes wide with curiosity. How can I say no to such a perfect little face? As I shift to the edge of the couch to stand, Christian appears in the lounge, tilting his head sympathetically at the two of us.

"Teddy, Mommy needs to rest today. Do you want daddy to play?" He asked gently, walking gracefully to Ted and kneeling down at his level. I bite my lip as Theodore shakes his head and pouts sulkily. "No. Mommy play" he whines, and I melt once again. I have a grumpy little boy today, but after all, he is due a nap time.

"Teddy, how about you and daddy play in the garden, and I'll come and watch?" I question softly, holding his chubby hand and brushing my thumb over his knuckles. Our son looks from Christian, to me, and back to Christian again, nodding reluctantly but keeping hold of my hand as I stand, he's going to be such a little gentleman. All thanks to his father. He holds mine and Christian's hand until we reach the garden, bursting with excitement and running over to the large patch of grass, Christians long strides not far behind like the protective father he is.

In the half an hour we have been outside, I raise my arms repeatedly, constantly checking to see if the beautiful weather has decided to bless me with a tan. I move my watch forward slightly, praying for tan lines, no, of course not. I've always been pale, and I don't expect that that's going to change any time soon. But a woman can hope, right? Sitting up in my sun lounger, I shield the sun from my eyes with my hand and squint into the distance, looking curiously at my boys who seem to be kneeling at the bottom of the garden again. It wouldn't surprise me if Theodore is trying to hunt down insects again, he's brought them back into the house once or twice, squishing the poor things to death in the palm of his hand in attempt to stop them from escaping. I grin to myself and then cringe at the idea of having bugs in my home.

My eyes pan back around the garden and I frown amused as I see Christian emerging from the back of the garden, grinning at each other suspiciously. Christian puts his finger to his lips, smiling like a small boy himself. "Shhh" I hear him say faintly in the distance as Teddy erupts in a fit of excitement. Theodore's hands are behind his back and he attempts to stand tall, walking towards me alongside Christian and not taking his eyes off his father. What are they up to. Before Christian can catch him, he runs up to me, his hands in front of him, holding his arms out with a large bunch of flowers in his hand that I assume he and Christian have picked from the garden.

"Mommy! Mommy! We got flowers" Theodore screeches and Chrisitan rolls his eyes amused. "Teddy, it was suppose to be a surprise" Christian giggles, perching on the edge of the sun lounger, sitting me up straight and sitting Ted on his lap. I kiss his cheek as Ted hands me the flowers that he just picked. "For mommy" he confirms and hides his face in Christian's chest shyly. "He wanted to get mommy some prettys" my husband says, giggling at Theodore's choice of words.

"How are you feeling now baby?" fifty asks softly, referring to last nights nightmare. I reach over and sit beside him, putting his spare arm around me.

"A lot better now you're both here" I respond gently, cuddling my two boys warmly. This is what makes it all worth it.