Fifty Shades Forgiven

My eyes are crying, but I'm not.

My aching muscles melt on the bed beneath me. It's a welcomed sensation. I hear the click on the bathroom light switching off as I turn round and watch Christian emerging from the en suite. He's in grey shorts and a grey t-shirt. His hair is fluffy and damp from the shower that we just took. Boy.. What a shower that was! Christian's eyes meet mine and he grins. I smile to myself, reminiscing the time we just shared. I feel like a naughty school girl, caught looking at her hot teacher. He still makes me shy. My husband, the father of my children. Somehow he manages to completely disarm me, exposing my whole nature to him. He can make me go from a confident woman, to a shy, drunk in love teenager. I can't get enough of him.

I lift the duvet as Christian nods appreciatively and gets in beside me. He holds his arm out as I sit up and lay myself back in the grip of his strong, muscular biceps. My head rests on his chest as the movements of his breathing rock my head gently. It has been an amazing end to a lovely day. Things didn't seem to end so well for Kate and Elliott. They and a disagreement, which is unlike them and Kate came to pick up Ava a couple of hours ago.

I cuddle into my husband's side, tracing my finger down his chest in the forbidden area. Except, it's no longer forbidden, not for me. His heart, which was once lost under a bed of cobwebs, is now like an open book. The darkness that he once found inside himself, is now brightened up by the glowing of his heart and his ability to give and take love. I'm so proud of him, he's my own superhero. He's the strongest, most noble person I've met. He's my husband. He's my fifty.

The gentle movement of my head on his chest, rocks me to sleep gently. His body heat entwining with mine, keeping me warm. In his arms I feel safe. Happy. He's everything that I need and more.

The cigarette smoke burns my eyeballs, sending floods of tears down cheeks. But I'm not crying. I can't cry. My tears voluntarily race their way down my cheeks, dripping off the end of my chin and splashing on my lap. The smell of burning flesh dominates all of my senses. The cigarette smoke is burning my eyeballs. My eyes are crying, but I'm not. The ash on Hyde's cigarette grows longer, and the cigarette gets closer to my neck. It's burning, but I can't feel the pain. I'm numb. If it wasn't for the stench of my skin being cooked by the end of his burning addiction, I wouldn't realise what's happening. I'm numb to the pain that this man has caused me. The physical pain is non existent, but the emotional pain is eating me from the inside. My eyes are crying, but I'm not.

I'm suddenly awoken by the sound of a woman screaming. Who's screaming? What's happening? The light flashes in and I look around the bedroom frantically. Who's here? I turn to look at a pale face Christian. His skin is white. Oh no.. What's happened? My heart races as the screams fade away. I look around the room again, my eyes examining every inch of the room. Shit! It's me. I'm the woman who's screaming. That's why Christian was looking at me. I grip my eyes closed for several seconds, allowing my breathing to calm down. Taking deep breaths I open my eyes slowly, my husbands looking at me with eyes full of concern.

"A.. Ana, what is it? What's wrong?" He asks, his eyes wiping the tears away from my cheeks. But.. I'm not crying. My eyes are. I compose myself and look shakily up at my husband.

"He's back. He's back and so are the nightmares" I respond with a hoarse voice. Fifty grits his teeth and swallows. He knows something. He knows something that I don't.

"Christian. I'm fine. It was a stupid nightmare" I say breathlessly and plant a kiss on his lips and laying down with him. I curl into my husband as my tears continue to relay down my face.

But I'm still not crying.

My eyes are crying, but I'm not.