Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 6

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Comment Topic:  Comment on the level of your engagement in the chapter. Did you find yourself skimming at times?  Or were you hooked the entire way through? How was the Author able to keep you engaged and/or how did the Author lose you?

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Author #1:  swiftiegirl1010

Book Title: Magaia: The Sisters 

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/31873463-magaia-the-sisters

Specified Chapter: chapter 10: Rachel 

Summary Thus Far in Book: So far Megan's life has been turned upside down. She has been having strange dreams which identifies the future and pushed a truck telekinetically out of the way. Not to mention that her house has burnt down, her mother has been put into a coma, and weird, faceless monsters tried kidnapping her at a hospital. Finally: strangers who have seemingly saved her introduces her to a world that literally came out from her book: Magaia.

Author's Note: I chose this chapter because I felt like it was the one I needed to work on the most. It was also after this one that my reads decreased dramatically. Is it the length of the chapter? Maybe too boring? I had a lot of trouble writing it, believe it or not. So I would appreciate it if you guys could give me some nice feedback for me to make the chapter better. I hope you enjoy, and might be able to continue reading! Can't wait to read all your comments.

Moderator's Chapter Rating: PG

Genre: Science Fiction

Winning Comment: (WOW I'm just going to apologize ahead of time for the length!)

I bow down to any fantasy author because creating a new world is painstakingly difficult—so let me give you a fist bump. The amount of creativity and effort you have to put into your story every step of the way is astonishing—and not just chapters but literally every single sentence.

There were moments within your story that I grinned. Like the banter between Ed, Daphne, and Megan about Megan punching Rachel was light and effortless to read—fantastic! It was like watching my friends heckle each other and it warmed my heart.

Two characters that were outstandingly defined were Rachel and Peter. These two stood out very strongly to me—Megan did a little bit but not as strongly. Everything they said, thought, acted, all contributed to the strength of the character. *fist bump again for awesomeness.

And my goodness, the paragraph "Everyone stood on the side of the hills...and he knew, at once, that she had done it again." This paragraph was super well written, to the point while still emoting a sense of "greatness" was also tinted with Peter's bitterness. Don't know how you did it but third fist bump for that!

The length of the chapter isn't daunting but I feel that the text can be refined to better focus this chapter.

The use of a third person omniscient POV was a little off-putting because we were hopping from scene to scene and character to character. I felt like before I could really dive into the scene, we were moving onto the next. To maintain the POV that you use and help with the sense of imbalance, maybe focus on a couple scenes per chapter and dive into a couple characters with greater detail. I want to connect with your characters—literally breathe their essence. While you do a fine job of defining your characters, I felt like a lot of the opportunities that you set up for the reader to connect with them can be deepened. When you introduce Megan's mother falling into a coma, you begin the paragraph with a sense of despair and introduce the unfortunate situation her mother is in—but we don't get a feel for Megan's feelings about the situation. I can only assume how she feels—using my own experiences as a baseline—but my assumptions are shallow compared to what you can define for us as the author about this character.