Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 22

Comment Topic: How has the author developed a protagonist worth investing in? If you don't feel invested in the protagonist, explain why and how this could be further improved. Please address the Author's note too.

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Author #1: ChelseyDugger

Book Title: AfterLight

Specified Chapter: Prologue - Before

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: You have no idea how excited I am about this! This story is very VERY dear to my heart (read author's note if your curious about it's history). I have been working on it for years and sincerely want to have this story published. I've given up a lot to focus on it and try to make it work so having all of your help is amazing! I cannot thank you enough Dawn for spotlighting me. You truly are a wonderful person!

Enough rambling though, my only question is: Does it draw you in and keep you wanting more?

Thank you guys in advance! Can't wait to hear from you all

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: A slight disconnect with emotions because of a time shift. The first part is so emotionally packed: Evan truly believed he hated his parents when they didn't allow Hannah to sleep over and he had the balls to tell them. Time passed, he forgave them, and they returned to happier times. But then the time shifts to the car crash and the absolutely heart breaking reflection that he once told his parents he hated them.

Let me try to explain what I'm thinking (lol)—hopefully I don't start to ramble.

The time gap is a few years. That is a LONG time to get over this. The amount of time allows the heart to heal and past grievances forgiven.

So when Evan reflects at the moment of the car crash that he told his parents that he hated them once upon a time in his life, there is no longer an immediacy of regret. He's had time to get over his hatred or feeling bad about telling his parents that he hated them.

One suggestion would be to tie the events closer together, or maybe even allude to a simmering hatred that remained despite the bribery from his dad. Maybe that this moment of awareness of his father's imperfectness opened his eyes to a rebelliousness in him—though this latter example strays too far from the character you've created. I suggest the former about narrowing the time gap.

Now, I don't want to rewrite it for you or make you feel like I'm trying to change your story. But consider something like this [I've also included subtle changes in text within brackets]:

"I remember the first time I told my parents I hated them. It was the day before we went on a ski trip and after they told me that my best friend Hannah couldn't spend the night. They said that girls and boys aren't supposed to have sleepovers after a certain age, to which I called them many names and professed my hatred for them.

Network with this Winner: PipSqueeks88

1st Runner Up: Tetras

2nd Runner Up: GreatGustav

Final Author's Note: WOW! Seriously what a week! This was a crazy awesome experience and I am so thankful that Dawn didn't let me run away from being in the spotlight like I had originally tried. This story means everything to me, and I am so glad that I got to share it with you guys. All of your thoughtful and kind comments really made my day and instead of feeling anxious every time I got a notification I was thrilled! Thank you all for your amazing suggestions and edits that showed me things I never noticed before (: