Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 15

*Google Image ran out of funny pictures at number 14, so here goes funny animals to brighten up your day.

Comment Topic: The devil is in the details. Too little detail and your character wanders aimlessly through the narration equivalent to an empty stage. Too much detail and your reader will skip and skim. Many times, it's about striking the perfect balance.

Name three things you would have liked the writer to be more descriptive about. And don't forget to write a...descriptive...comment. five sentences or more, please.

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Author #1: cjbirch

Book Title: Patience

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/161719123-patience-chapter-1

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: None

Author's Note: Excitement!

I'd like to think I have thick skin when it comes to my writing (we'll see after this week) so feel free to be brutal (and I mean that. It can't get better without good solid feedback which I know I'll get here because you guys are awesome). My only real question is: Do you want to keep reading? I realize this genre might not be for everyone, but is there enough enticement, enough pull to get you to click to the next chapter? Also, grammar nazis welcome. Pick it apart guys!

Moderator Rating: PG

Genre: Science Fiction

Winning Comment: Hi, cjbirch! Lets get started with some edits first:

-Your first sentence was very long. Try to shorten it up or split it in two.

-The same goes for the sentence, "They're supposed to stimulate sunlight but..." Try to shorten this up bit as well.

-Try, "...the corporal verbally nudges me(PERIOD)"Your cabin is..."

-"warm strips of LED?" I get that you tried to express the light being "warm," but try to use another adjective to describe the LEDs. If you want to use warm, then try "the warm glow of light from the LEDs," or something that tells us what the warm thing actually is.

-The sentence "I can tell by the gunge stuck in the hardest to reach corners..." Was a little awkward. Try to use something like, "Judging from the gunge stuck in the corners hardest to reach, I can tell the ship is pretty old."

-Split the sentence "When we reach my cabin I step inside and take..."

-Get rid of "in" in the sentence "...wait around before reporting in to the captain."

-Use "then" instead of "than" in "Than why bother mentioning..."

-You used the word "notice" repetitively in the paragraph, "When I enter I notice everything at once..."

That's about it! The rest of the grammar and sentence structure mistakes had similar errors as the ones listed above.

Interesting plot! Sci-Fi is one of my favorite genres, so I'm pretty excited to see how the rest of the story goes. Awesome vocab choices as well! One of the things I really liked about this chapter were the character dynamics and portrayal. In a single chapter, you introduced three characters (Alison, the Captain and the corporal), two of whom are the main characters (Alison and the Captain). I loved how Alison, a seemingly confident, headstrong and outgoing person, get all nervous and shy when she meets the Captain; the crush Alison had on her is clearly shown. She (the MC's a she, right?) is also the kind who can't stand still and watchC and had to be in part of action and all the fun stuff. Like when she confessed to the Captain why she joined Persephone and didn't stay in the science department in Jupiter. She didn't want to look upon the same view everyday. Meanwhile, the Captain seems to be a pretty mysterious character to me. Told from Alison's point of view, she's portrayed as beautiful, the one in charge, and pretty chill, but her real personality still remains a mystery to the readers (or at least to me, haha). I really hope we get to know her more as we go further into the story.