Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 7

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Comment Topic:

As writers, our word selection and sentence structures can be as enticing as the plot and characters themselves. Comment on the author's ability to present their story through diction and sentence structure.

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Author #1: Kirby-Marcelle

Book Title: Flawed

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/user/Kirby-Marcelle

Specified Chapter: Distorted [Dual Protagonists: Merci Tanner & Aegean Hill]

Summary Thus Far in Book: None Provided

Author's Note: Let me start out by saying that while this spotlight feels like a dream come true... I can't help but feel like it's also a nightmare. Being a perfectionist, the mere idea of me displaying my work like this is absolutely nerve-wracking, I've been having major anxiety ever since I was informed of my spotlight in this week's round. That being said, the insecurity I have about sharing my work must eventually be silenced. My story's my baby, and like most parents, I have to prepare this child for the real world and make it the best it can be. Basically, go ahead and hit me with your best shot -- hurry, while I've psyched myself up -- because I'm ripping this sucker off like a band-aid.

Chapter Rating: PG

Genre: Teen Fiction

Winning Comment: 

If we are to focus on your capability as an author to present your story through diction and sentence structure...oh my... hrmmm...well..errr

Your first three paragraphs are fantastically written. Oftentimes, when authors use long-winded sentence structures, it only confuses the reader. Here, your punctuations and long sentences wonderfully add to the emotion of your MC. I feel like I'm your MC, glaring at Marabella, my jaw tight, ticking off the countless ways that she just bugs the crudders out of me.

Emotionally strong words like "snob", "infidelity", "menacing", "guiltless", "deceiving", "unmasking", all contribute to the emotion of your MC and to the story. Even the use of "smack-dab" creates this "sharp sound" even though it really has nothing to do with your MC's emotions.

The repetition of "Ronny"...tres magnifique. It's a small nuance but it shows the "expectation" by your MC because Ronny's reliable appearance after every tutoring session, only to have it disrupted at this time. Her raking gaze over non-Ronny is also well done. By her narrating of every single detail of non-Ronny, you create a strong, lingering disapproval.

Again, on point with the metaphor that Jace is "like a half-starved wolf in wait of meat". This just ADDS to the entire disapproving and distrusting emotion she has about him.

A few notes, what does "startling eyes" mean? While I can get the gist, that his eyes startled her, it reads awkwardly.

Another thing, mentally, she is very "bold" and "snarky"-despite your MC making an observation of "If I was bolder, snarkier...". She's also very sarcastic and witty. I have to wonder why she isn't also physically/vocally this way-though I'm sure this has to do with the flashbacks we see later in the book.

The sentence "His smiles falters when he realizes I'm just another person who can't give him what he wants" is a little hard to grasp at this point, not because its written poorly, because believe me, there is nothing poor about your writing, but because you introduce a concept without much meat to it. So far, we know that this guy is a linebacker (so we automatically get into our social stereotype heads that he is popular) and he's dating a wealthy, exotic snob like Maribella (deducing that he must be fairly handsome and again, popular). These two assumptions make me think that he gets what he wants, often. However Merci's thought of "I'm just another person who can't give him what he wants" detracts from that, making it sound like there are enough people that refuse him his wants that she has noticed that she is one of several. Does that make sense? Lol I feel like I'm babbling.