Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 21

Comment Topic: Show vs. Tell. It's fundamental in any good writing. Comment on the Author's ability to convey their story by 'showing' it to the readers.

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Author #1: TheJennyHaniver

Book Title: Nowhere is Final

Specified Chapter: Chapter 2

Summary Thus Far in Book: Eliza is on the run from a mad doctor who wants to experiment on her to find out more about her powers. She has her dog Ava, with whom she can communicate.

Author's Note: What do you think of the description? How would you improve it? How do you perceive the way the characters act, and what does this tell you about them as people?

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Hey! So I usually do my critiques going from the top of the chapter to the bottom. First I just want to say you have a great cover and blurb and I think this is a very unique idea. Now on to the critique :)

1. Sometimes you used passive voice where you could use active voice to make more of an impact. One example is "she was looking rather stressed." It could be "She looked rather stressed."

2. Let's look at that sentence in particular. What does someone look like when they're "rather stressed?" Do they look tired, is their hair unkempt, are their eyes red, is her whole body tensed up? Saying she just looks stressed is a bit vague and hard to picture. Sometimes simple descriptions like that are fine, but since this is their first time meeting I think it would be good if you went more in depth.

3. It would be good to get some sensory elements added. Sight, sound and smell would be great. By sight I mean are they in a neighborhood, on a trail, a beach, or somewhere else? Are there lots of people around or is it a quiet time of day and they're the only ones around? Is the air brisk and cold in the morning or is it sunny and bright? You don't need to add all of these things in every scene, but it's good to have some of these elements to paint a more vivid picture for the reader.

4. I really like the interactions with the dog and your pacing is great. You show Lee's confusion quite well also.

5. "The dog looked freaking possessed." This would be fine if it were dialogue, his thoughts, or if this were diary-style. But it's just regular narration, so I'd take out the "freaking" and think of some other way to describe what Lee is seeing/feeling. Otherwise it looks a bit unprofessional (if you care about that. If not, go for it). Side-bar: I liked the texting the way you did it. I usually don't like it, but I think you did it well (no useless jokes or multiple emoticons back-and-forth, which some people just use to fill up the page). So great job with doing texting well!

6. I apologize in advance, this next paragraph is a bit of a rant but I hope you take it constructively. Taking her to a McDonald's and stuff I understand...but to a library also? Does Lee have nothing better to do with his day or is he a pushover, or is there some other reason he wants to help her so much? He's starting to get annoyed with her so I was surprised when he offered to take her to the library. Especially when she basically orders him to give the dog water. It's making me lose respect for him. If you have a reason for it, great - I think you should mention it in here somewhere. Otherwise, Eliza is getting more interesting since she seems to have no clue where she is. I wonder why. I'm also curious why she seems like she hasn't eaten in a while. That makes me feel bad for her, despite her bossy nature. And again, when she says she needs to hide...why doesn't Lee stick up for himself and ask why? If someone said they needed to hide in my house from a creepy car outside, I'd want to know why before getting myself involved. I dunno, it seems like Lee's a pushover. Is that the case? If so, I think you should say it, because otherwise it seems like you wrote it this way just to get through the chapter rather than considering how a person might actually react to Eliza.