Engaged [z.m.]

Chapter 33: I Wonder

C H A P T E R   T H I R T Y - T H R E E

Zayn

The ring felt cold against my palm. The metallic object was almost excruciating to hold. I wanted to hurl it across the railing for being the official statement that declared Perrie and my engagement's end. I wanted to thrust it onto Perrie's finger, latch it there and ask her to never let it go. 

Despite everything, I stood planted to my spot; unable to mutter a word. 

"Zayn, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" Perrie repeated. She grasped my shoulders, trying to meet my eyes. I eventually looked down at her.

Her eyes were pooled with tears. She looked like a mess. I wanted to hug her, tell her it was going to be alright. At the same time, I want to hurt her. Hurt her for hurting me so bad.

I looked away whilst touching her hands that were latched onto my shoulders, pushing them away. Her body jolted backwards.

"Zayn" she whispered.

I stood stationary. My mind reeled as I contemplated what to do. Everything seemed a blur.

Perrie started walking towards me but I shuffled backwards, trying to inform her that I didn't want her touching me. She stopped instantly once she felt my uneasiness.

She took a deep breath. "I could never leave you Zayn, I'm not thay brave nor do I want to"

I looked at her, waiting for her to continue.

She wiped her face with her sleeves before continuing. "I'm not breaking up with you"

My heart dropped. Instead of feeling optimistic or hopeful of our condition, I presumed what she was going to say next. I knew what she was going to say next.

"I'm not breaking up with Zayn" she sniffed "I just don't think...don't think it's the right time to get married"

"We're both not ready, Zayn I love you so much but you and I both know we need to give this time and thought and I promise you, when you truly feel like we're ready and if you ask me, I'll marry you any-"

I interjected her. "So this is all a game to you. Call off the engagement whenever you feel like, call it back on whenever you feel like"

I was fuming. My heart thudded rapidly. I watched her features transform every second. She was hurt. More than I'd never seen her but she could never calculate or evaluate how hurt I was. How she had absolutely torn me today, thinking that this is for the best.

"You may not be ready Perrie, maybe you never will be but I was ready. Hell, I could drag you to church any minute you wanted; that's how ready I was"

"But maybe you never understood that and for that I pity you" I yelled, my voice escalating by the second.

"Zayn-" she began but I interuppted her again.

"NO! Don't you dare justify yourself. You can't justify yourself. I'm sorry this was always a game for you but this-" I motioned my finger between myself and her "-was and will always be my everything"

"Zayn...please stop, I-"

"No Perrie, you stop. You-you..." I struggled to form the right sentences.

"Zayn, you know I would never consider this a game. How could you even...I-I love you Zayn" she fell on the floor, her legs giving out.

Instinctively, I instantly jolted to grab her but I stopped mid path. I couldn't go near her.