Blood Family

Chapter Fifteen : Old & New

Moriah Scott

"Would you consider yourself scarred from your experiences growing up? That had to of been traumatizing for anyone who's suffered traumatic losses like that starting from such a young age. Something must really be bothering you Moriah, we haven't talked like this in a few years and you stopped making the effort to schedule appointments" My therapist said and I looked at him for awhile before my eyes moved elsewhere.

I'd had two therapists in my entire life but this was the one I began seeing when I was a teenager and he was more affective then the other one. His name was John Theron and he allowed me to call him John and for some reason that just always stuck with me.

"I feel hopeless right now and even with all the medication in the world I don't know why I still feel like this. It's this feeling of having so much anger and sadness that's always been here but nobody knows how that feels because they don't think like I think and they don't feel what I feel and sometimes I wish I wasn't mentally ill and that I was normal" I said clearing my throat.

"You being a little different is not your fault, okay? Bipolar disorder can not be cured but that is why I am here to help you lead a semi normal life Moriah but you will never be considered what's normal, nobody is and you have to accept that" John explained.

"I know that's not it, it's just I don't know what to do. People think that I'm just mean but I can't help it I just don't know how to show the affection they think I should and everything in my life is stored in my brain. I do what I'm suppose to do but this feeling inside won't subside and it's always there. I don't know how to be happy" I ranted as I looked into his eyes.

John sat the clipboard down to the side and folded his leg over the other and just stared at me as I stared back. His expression was as serious as mine but instead of seeming angry he smiled and looked away for a minute.

"What frustrates you is the fact that people don't get it and they don't understand it because when you look at everyone around you they don't understand how you feel. Ever since your brother died you've felt alone because he was the closest person to you, right?" John questioned and I shook my head no.

"I accept that he's dead and our relationship consisted of us looking out for each other and me taking on the roll of the older brother because he was spoiled by our parents. He understood me but not as much as my sister does because we feel the same and think the same thoughts we just express them differently" I remind.

"I remember a distinct conversation we had a really long time ago about your relationship with her. Where you said when you saw how people treated your sister as opposed to you it made you feel worse than you already did but you never elaborated on that specifically" he reminded.

I remained quiet and looked around the room as he went over to his file cabinet and looked through some folders. It lasted a couple of minutes before he pulled out a large file with my name on it.

"What I meant by that is we think the same thoughts, she says the things that I feel and I say what she feels and when we disagree she's always right in the end but I never voiced that to anyone. When I was a child I was very depressed and I didn't know why, I'd tried to kill myself as a young child but when my sister came I don't think I've ever felt happiness like that before" I said quietly.

"Have you ever had suicidal thoughts recently? Thoughts where you might've felt as hopeless as you feel right now and how you felt back then?" John questioned.