Insane Doesn't Even Begin to Cover It...

Insane Doesn't Even Begin to Cover It... Chapter 35

The next few days blur together, and I hardly notice their passing. Distance has wormed itself in between Caden and I, but I have to say I’m okay with it. Lately, things have been changing faster than I want them too, faster than I can handle. With this new wariness, I can give myself some time to think about what I truly want.

My sessions with Becca continue, and I get closer to overcoming a few of my phobias. Surprisingly, I’m excited to do it. Eradicating my fears is something I’ve needed to do for a while. It’s my free day, when I don’t have any meetings with Becca but even so, I use the time to go into the sunroom and sit.

I pick one of the chairs closest to the windows and sit there for over an hour, staring out at the trees and grass. A few people come in and out through the course of time that I’m sitting there, but I disregard them. No one bothers me, so I have no need to move.

When I finally get up and leave the room, I’m more comfortable sitting as close to nature as I’ve been in a while. I used to not like going in that room, but now it’s easy for me go in and out, and sit for long amounts of time. Becca is going to be proud of me, I already know. Actually, I can’t wait to tell her. I want her to be happy with what I’ve accomplished.

That feeling is new to me. The feeling of wanting to be praised for something I’ve done… all the time I’ve spent here has been on my own, not caring about anyone or anything. But then Caden comes into my life and changes things, for better or worse I don’t know. Then Becca, with her kind words and gentle guidance… I’m unused to it but even so, I like it.

On my way back to my room, I pass Caden on the stairs. We both pause at the same time, measuring each other with our eyes, neither making any advances.

“Senna.” He says in acknowledgement, eyes glinting with some hidden emotion. I incline my head towards him, watching for any movement on his part. Nothing happens, however, and eventually my eyes slide off of him and I continue on my way up the stairs. A little unnerved, I don’t dare look behind me as I turn the corner to advance on the other set of stairs, knowing he’s staring me down.

The instant I’m back in my room, I close the door and hurry to my bed, plopping down heavily. My cot creaks in protest but I ignore it, twisting the blanket underneath me with my hands, which have curled into fists.

What’s wrong with me?

I ask myself, trying to assess whatever emotion is making me so worked up inside. Unable to put a name to it, I eventually just blow it off, shoving whatever it is into the back of my mind, to take out and re-examine later. Leaning backwards, I slide down on the wall and move until I’m lying horizontally on the bed, staring at the opposite wall. Staring at what used to be Caden’s cot.

He hasn’t slept here for days, and a thin layer of dust has settled on the blankets and his table. I haven’t bothered to even try to clean anything of his that he left behind. His clothes were moved out of my room around the third day of me ignoring him, which I expected.

He’s probably hurt by my sudden wariness of him, but I can’t help it. I couldn’t let things progress further from where they were. I was getting closer and closer to letting him in behind my previous defenses, the defenses that have kept even the nicest people from seeing me. And once I realized what was happening, I just couldn’t let it continue on.

See, letting someone behind your walls like that is scary. You take them down, expose your true form to them… and usually, in my case, they turn tail and run. Leaving you an empty shell for no one knows how long, until you can fortify your defenses once more and pull yourself back onto your feet, pushing the ordeal away from you.

It’s only happened a few times, and those few times are some that I never even think about anymore. Mainly it’s been with people before I was brought here, when I was young. Small things that affected me more than they did at the time they happened. And a few have been during my stay here, when the doctors turned from nice and helpful to mean and unforgiving.

Shivering slightly, I wrap my arms around myself and direct my attention to the little window at the top of the room, staring out of it at the dreary sky. It was sunny earlier, but now the clouds have crept in again, and a few snowflakes fall, that I can see. Winter has moved in, slowly but surely, and now it’s only about a week until Christmas.

The thought makes me cringe. My Christmases at this place haven’t been the best holidays ever. But I guess that’s to be expected, seeing as it is a mental institution after all… And not one of the high-class ones either.

Turning over, I stare instead at the wall, tracing the patterns on the wall with a fingertip. The padding has slowly gotten stripped off, exposing the cold concrete underneath. No one has bothered to come up here since the other wing was closed off, saying that it was dangerous. Therefore, I’ve never really gotten the most attention… whereas the people on the lower levels had their rooms checked daily for wear and tear.

A few more minutes pass, maybe even an hour, I don’t know. But soon enough, the bell for dinner rings and I trudge out of the room and down to the cafeteria, slowly, not really wanting to face everyone in the room, staring and judging.

I had disregarded it before that point, once Caden was here, my main focus was on him, and how everything seemed to get better. But now that we aren’t really together anymore…

The harsh reality of this place has set back in… and I don’t like it.

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Hope you liked it.

I wrote this in about 5 minutes, maybe 10. This story just comes so easily to me…

Anywho, read, review, constructive criticism, the usual.

-Lexi