The Online Experience

February 4, 1996

Grumpybluebear: I don't even know what her damn problem is these days. She says she's pissed about her recent breakup, but trust me they weren't exclusive.

We'd been chatting for about a hour already and our conversation had already devolved into a discussion on my recent issues with my roommate. I asked about Mary and the wedding and he was still not interested in discussing it. Not interested actually didn't even begin to describe how he seemed to feel about the subject. I'd become so used to him telling me at least a little about his week it felt odd to be back nearly where we started. With me telling him about my problems and him offering generic advice.

SixStringGuy: Sydney did you ever stop to think that maybe that was the guy she really liked. Just because she's been running around with more than one guy doesn't mean she didn't have real feelings for them. And maybe even strong feelings for one of them.

I was a little taken back by the tone of his words. If I didn't know any better is think he was mad at me, though I couldn't think of anything I'd said to upset him.

Grumpybluebear: No, I hadn't really considered that.

SixStringGuy: sometimes you're a little narrow minded about these types of things. You know maybe somewhere inside herself Alley is afraid no one loves her, so instead of being truly vulnerable she reaches for as many people as possible, so she won't be alone.

Grumpybluebear: you're right. That very well could be.

SixStringGuy: you know love isn't just this narrow little window that you picture it to be. It's so much more than that and so different to everyone. Some people spend their whole lives grasping for something, anything to make them feel complete. And in doing that sometimes people end up in truly shity situations. You really need to think about that. I mean if you think staying with a guy for 8 years and never coming is bad, then you have no idea what a truly tough situation is.

Grumpybluebear: Christ almighty I get it already. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm narrow minded and don't look at things from different perspectives. What do you want from me Jamie? What the hell is your problem tonight?

Sulking back into be cloth covered chair and crossing my arms over my chest with a huff. He had no reason to rip into me like that. I'd done nothing to him and I didn't feel I had that lecture coming. As our silence I grew I check to make sure he was still online and that my service hadn't been interrupted. After 15 minutes I narrow my eyes at the screen and decide I've had enough of this from him.

Grumpybluebear: if you wanna ignore me that's fine I can just leave you to your thoughts tonight. Give you time to sort out whatever shit you have going on that you think you can take out on me.

SixStringGuy: I'm sorry Sydney.

His words came across my screen just as I was about to sign off.

Grumpybluebear: yeah.

SixStringGuy: I mean it. I'm sorry for acting that way, it was uncalled for.

Grumpybluebear: what's going on?

SixStringGuy: things are just getting more complicated and messed up by the day.

Grumpybluebear: ok.

SixStringGuy: there are so many things I want to tell you, but I can't.

Grumpybluebear: why not?

SixStringGuy: I'd have to tell you so much for it to all make sense. And I don't know if you'd ever talk to me again. I think you might hate me.

Grumpybluebear: Jamie I can't think of anything that would make me hate you. I wouldn't judge you or be upset with you no matter what you told me.