The Online Experience

June 11, 1996

"Ok I know you've been seeing someone because you never come out with us on the weekends." Scott leaned back against the cool dark wood of the booth across the table from Alley and I. Glancing casually to my right I noticed Alley's small smile just before her head dipped down toward the drink in her hand. I'd never told her specifically what was going on or with who, but after she let him into the apartment the day she left for spring break she never asked. A grin or a smirk from time to time is all she's ever said about the whole thing.

"But here's the thing," Scott drunkly scratched his head, messing up his chestnut colored hair ever further, "I haven't seen you with anyone, so, I mean, I'm guessing they don't attend here." His voice messy and nearly slurred as he stumbled through his statement. 

"Nope, no one in town." My only response before Alley stepped, quickly changing the topic of conversation. The next few hours passed without incident as we meandered between the local bars filled to the brim with over excited young people that were having one last night out before parent started arriving tomorrow for graduation.  Fond memories raced through my mind of finishing my undergraduate studies and how that excitement had felt. But this year I was comfortably settled into my graduate work and wouldn't experience that feeling of excitement and accomplishment until next summer.

As the designated driver that night I sat sipping my ginger ale as I watched two of my closest friends drink the night away, and I found my mind drifting to next year. Graduation. Walking away with my master degree. Leaving this small town for good. Stepping out into the harsh light of the real world and trying to find my next adventure. Would he still be a part of my life? Would he be just a friend by then or would we still be moving forward? Would he still be married? Is that baby his? My stomach twisted at the mere thought sending a tsunami of nausea over my body. Instinctively I bolted from the table running toward the bathrooms trying to win the race against my stomach. Bypassing the line of loud drunken women outside the ladies room, I burst into the men's room and quickly found myself bent over the rim of a grimy toilet bowl, my body wracked with convulsing muscles throughout my abdomen pushing everything back up my throat. My mind raced for a reason this was happening, trying desperately to focus on the reason behind the events instead of the event itself.  As the painful convulsions came to an end I settled on a reason, one that was completely plausible, one that ignored the nagging concern that had been lingering in the back of my mind recently.

"Hey girl, you alright?" Alley's words were louder than normal and just slightly slurred as I returned to the table.

"Yeah, yeah." trying for a smile, but I was certain it looked more like a grimace as I sat back down, taking a slow, testing sip of my ginger ale. "I think something I ate earlier just didn't agree with me." Alley titled her head slightly, studying me as I tried to get comfortable and act like nothing happened, but she didn't say another word.

"Shit, didn't we eat the same thing earlier?" Scott's head bounced around on his neck with wide eyes, being overly dramatic as his concern for himself became apparent. "Damn, I don't wanna get sick. Maybe I should get home." Our evening out wrapped up pretty quickly after that.  After dropping Scott at his place, Alley and I returned to the apartment. She only managed to mumble a quick good night before disappearing behind the generic wood door of her bedroom for a night of presumably restful sleep.  I on the other hand laid in bed all night, thinking, worrying, imagining the worst case scenario.  Part of me thought of calling him, I knew he'd still be up, he always seemed to be up, but what would I say?

"Sure that'd go great 'Hi. Oh I'm good. Think I have a little food poisoning. How are you doing?' that would be an amazing late night phone call." mumbling to the omniscient silence filling my bedroom.  But even as I shook my head at my own words, I couldn't help but want to hear his voice.  I wanted to get lost in those soft tones that occasionally ring with a Midwestern accent. To just hear him talk about anything right now, about the record, the fight with the record company, his writing, even what he had for lunch, just anything; well, anything but her. She had been coming up more and more in our recent conversations and I couldn't help but cringe and attempt to lead the conversation away from her every time.  I wanted that part of his life over. To just know that the child wasn't his and be able to move forward without that woman in his life. In my life. My stomach started churning again, sending me on a direct path to the bathroom. 

I woke up late the next morning, sun shining through my bedroom window, my body cocooned peacefully in the warmth of my blankets.  I was exhausted, but as soon as my eyes opened my mind started running a mile a minute.  'You need to do this' the nagging voice in the back of my head was loud and demanding and as much as I wanted to stay curled up in those blankets I knew there was no way my mind would let me.  What I needed to do didn't take nearly as long as I'd thought it would. A little digging through the mess under the bathroom sink and after that, well things moved pretty quick.  My heart didn't race and I didn't panic like I imagined I would. It honestly didn't seem real, but it was. Not long after I was back in my bedroom, steady fingers moving over cool buttons as I dialed that now familiar number.

"Hello." his tone of voice told me he had answered without thinking about it, he was distracted by something more important, but it still the sound brought a smile to my lips as I pulled my feet up to sit cross legged on my bed.

"Hi Jamie." even I could even the smile in my voice.

"Sydney! Hold on." There was relief in his voice followed by muffled words directed at someone else. "Sorry, I had my lawyers here, but they're gone now." The sound of him drawing a deep breath filled the phone and I could nearly see him relaxing back into his chair. "How've you been mama? I've missed your sweet voice."

"I've been alright. You know, same old same old. What's going on with the lawyers? everything ok?"  Words were scrolling through my mind, looking for the best way to say what was on my mind. Judging for the best time to speak up.

"Nothing for you to worry about sweetheart." my cheeks went warm at the term of endearment, wishing he was here, so I could run my fingers through his hair and whisper a soft response against the curve of his ear.

"You should come visit. I miss hearing you call me sweetheart in person." the soft sound of an inviting hum came through the line, setting off a shiver that rolled down my spine.

"I miss a lot of things we could do in person, but I don't think I'll be able to get away soon mama. Mayte is stirring up shit around here again, which is why the lawyers are here." and there it was. That name. That woman.

"What's she doing now?"

"She's just making more demands about what she wants after the baby is born."  Anger, frustration it all dripped from his every word and I wished there was a way for me to make that all go away for him. "I'm telling you mama, the more she asks for, the more convinced I am that the baby isn't mine and she knows it."

"Well, we've talked about how that's a strong possibility." reminding him of some of the more straight to the point conversations we've had on the issue. I wanted him to be ready for that, knowing how hurt he'd be if he found out she really was just using him.

"Yeah. I know." The defeat in his voice was heart shattering. I looked down at my hand, absentmindedly picking at the hem of my lilac colored sleeping shorts. 

"You know If there is anything I can do to help, just tell me. You're not going through this alone Prince." that little telltale laugh of his that always slipped out when I used his name floated through the line, and I knew he was smiling again. Now was time. The voice in my head told me that now was the moment to share my truth. I stilled myself with a deep breath and closed my eyes for just a moment.

"I know you would, and I love you for that. For wanting to help me, wanting to take care of me. It's just, there isn't anything to be done. I'll get through this, but in the future any woman who wants to claim to be carrying my baby isn't gonna get a smile and an open door. I won't let this happen again. She's gonna have to have some damn proof, and deal with my attorney's before I'll even talk to her. Anyways, lets not worry about what if's. You feeling ok? You sound a little rundown."  My eyes were still closed, letting his words sink in, filtering through every part of my stirring mind. Now was my heart was racing, now the panic was setting in.

"Oh, I think I have a little food poisoning." the words came out with an unpreventable tremble as my eyes opened and landed squarely on my pine colored bedside table and slim white piece of plastic resting there with a dark blue positive sign engraved into the little window.