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37. The L Word

“Cassie!” I heard a muffled scream. “Cassie, you can’t do this!” I was looking out the window. I couldn’t hear anyone anymore. Well, I could, but I don’t let the words register into my brain. I didn’t want them to. All anyone ever told me was that I needed to get out. I needed to get better. Last time that I checked, I wasn’t sick anymore. They said that I needed to be happy.

Why?! Why should I be happy for their sake! This isn’t their life, just something a part of it. They were acting as if they would die if I wasn’t happy. I laughed to myself at this. This was my live. My relationship. My sadness. My world that was crashing down to my feet. Not theirs, so they could go away for all I cared.

“Cassie, please! You need to talk to us! Or someone.” Who was saying these words this time? Was it Annie? Who found a chance to leave her family to care for her depressed little sister? Or was it my brother? Who had wanted me to get with Eli, not just for my sake, but his sake too? I knew that it wasn’t my parents. They would just be telling me why I needed to make up with Eli; basically, complimenting him. How could they do this? They weren’t even thinking of my feelings. Or if they were, then they were doing a bad job of showing it. It wasn’t their heart that wasn’t even broken.

Yeah, you heard me right. My heart’s not broken. I’m sad, but not broken. I still care about Eli a lot. I’m not mad, not angry, and I don’t feel like I want him to live through hell for the rest of his life because he did this to me. No, I want him to be as happy as he can be. I even want to be the reason why he’s happy. I want to see the smile in his eyes when he sees me for the first time that day. I want to make him giggle from my stupidity. I want him to grab my hand because I started to get nervous about something, bringing my hand up to my head. I wanted him to put his pointer finger on my forehead and rub the winkles from it.

I want that. Those little things made my life seem worthwhile. It’s not like I’m going to jump off of a bridge now, I’m just saying that I’m not as happy. I walked away from it. Because I was stupid. All of my assumptions were wrong in the end. I let Eli be the center of my happiness, supplying it to me endlessly. And instead of him taking it away from me, I let him keep it. I was stupid, and I never thought that I would’ve been.

I look back on when I was younger, and would watch some romantic movie. I would see how the man and woman looked at each, and I would want that. I had it, but walked away from it.

I would see how the woman was so compliant to do anything when it came to the man she loved. I thought that I would’ve been more stubborn, more strong willed to do something like that. I wasn’t.

I thought that I wouldn’t let myself be heartbroken. I’m not. I thought that I wouldn’t let myself feel this down about a mistake I made. I thought that I wouldn’t have been the one to make the mistake. I did.

“Cassia, talk to us! Please, say something!” I looked at the source. Oh, it was the girls. Could I feel my face muscles moving? I think they may have seen my small smile as I walked away from them, out of my room. I’m not positively sure though, but that doesn’t matter.

When did I open the door? I don’t even remember walking past the pool in the backyard. But as I kept on walking, I realized I didn’t have on any shoes. I felt bareness. That bareness was the sand. Oh, I’m on the beach now? Too bad I didn’t bring my swimsuit, I could’ve gone swimming. What a shame.

Looking back on it, I did open the door. I remember barely seeing the kitchen as I walked past it. I wonder if anyone saw me walk out here. I didn’t bother looking back. That would require energy, and I was lacking a lot. I don’t even know how I had enough to keep on walking out here. I should give myself a pat on the back. I’ve made more of an effort in a couple of minutes then I have since 3 weeks ago.