Lights (One Direction Fanfiction)

{15} What Happened?

(Before you start this chapter, I want to let you know that the next three chapters will all have a week of time difference. So, last chapter was the day after the breakup, this chapter will be the week after, next one will be the week after that, and the last one will be the week after that. These chapters will basically summarize what Paige did while her heart was broken. Hope you enjoy!)

You know that feeling you get, when you know what you're doing and thinking is wrong, but you still do it anyway?

Yeah, that's me right now.

I mean, am feeling that certain way, but I can't really talk to anyone about it, except Zoe, but I think she had to put up with me enough already. And, I'm not going to go out and mope about how miserable my life is at the moment, because, they really can't do much about it. And all those people I might tell, they will hug me and ask if I'm ok. But, all their words of so called encouragement, really don't come from anywhere but the mind. It's like there's a part in the back of their brain, reserved just for when they hear the words 'break up' or insecure', so they immediately want to help. I call it pity, like the rest of this world. But pity doesn't come from the heart, it never has, it comes from that special place in their brains, that wants to help out, but know they can't, so they just throw words at you. Whether it's complimenting, or flattering, or even uplifting, they all come from the brain, and no one can stop that.

And you know what I hate?

Pity.

That glint in their eyes that feels sorry for you, when they have absolutely nothing to do with it. Not that I have anything against people who care, it's just the people who act like they care, just so they can get something out of the situation, or simply don't care, but the back of their minds is telling them to say something inspirational. Something not true. Something, they weren't prepared for and have to come up with right at the spot. I classify that as lying. You know that you really don't want to hear it, but you still stick around, because the back of the mind is telling you to stay.

So, that is my theory of why I keep it to myself.

When I get upset, I shut down. I feel like I should be crying or screaming but know I won't. So, I just sit there and think. Like I did last week, and basically have been doing for the past few days. I go in a room, alone, and cry, and then I come out and tell everyone that I'm fine. When I'm truly not. He is everywhere, on my dash, on my recommends, instagram, everywhere, and I just can't stop myself from thinking what I did wrong. Was I too bossy? Too selfish? Too arrogant? Too bitchy? Too clingy? Too careless? Too fussy? Too grumpy? Too impatient? Too flirty? Too inconsiderate? Too intolerant? Too lazy? Too mean? Too moody? Too aggressive? Too nervous? Too rude? Too nasty? Too sarcastic?

These are the things that cloud my thoughts every night, and I can't help myself from lowering my self-esteem at least 60%. My one question to him would be what did I do wrong? Not because I want to fix it, because I know that I need to learn from the mistakes I make. And if it means having to talk to my boy-erm ex-boyfriend, then so be it. What I am not going to do, is next time I like someone, make the same mistake again. Because it cost me once, I will make sure that bitch isn't coming back to collect more.

I sat watching YouTube videos, avoiding all of those that had the twins, as I ate my candy. Zoe came in, "Hey Pai, how are you feeling?"

I scoffed, "I'm not sick, Zoe. Just thinking."

"About?"

"What the hell I did wrong?"

She sighed, "You did nothing wrong, he was just too stupid to keep you. Have you heard of any of them?"

"Considering my phone has been on airplane mode for a week now, I haven't. You?" I asked, secretly intrigued, "Yes, I talked to umm the twins last night, as well as Louise."

"How is he?" I questioned, my eyes still on the screen, "He got mad but-"

"Oh no, I was talking about Jack. I'm kind of sorry, I should probably call him. And I don't care about that douche." I said, this time looking at Zoe, who was leaning on the doorway, her hands intertwined with each other as she held them down, "He's a bit shaken up, yes, but he is fine. Why don't you call him?"

I shut my laptop, swung my feet over the edge, and stood up, "I don't want my phone to turned on right now. Could I use yours?"

She nodded and handed me the floral-cased phone, I looked through her contacts and found Jack's number which I pressed, "Hey, Zoe."

I croaked, "It's Paige."

Jack sighed softly, I could almost see him placing his free hand over his face,"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

I smiled softly, "No, you were probably trying to protect your brother. I'm not mad at Zoe, and I'm not mad at you."

He chuckled, "How are you coping?"

"I'll be fine." Is what I said, but let's face it, I'm hurt, VERY hurt, I know that you-know-who will act like he cares, and I don't want him to do that, because that's lying, because if he did care, he wouldn't have done what he did.

I could hear him smiling through the phone, "That's great, Pai."

"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TALKING TO THAT BITCH?"

That was him, my ex. Thanks for making me feel so much better, traitor, "I'M THE BITCH? CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT I TAKE RELATIONSHIPS SERIOUSLY, AND WHEN SOMEONE HAS BEEN SNOGGING SOMEONE ELSE BEHIND MY BACK IT'S THEIR FAULT, ASSBUTT."

He snarled, "THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE THE DECENCY TO CALL ME UP YOURSELF AND TELL ME WE'RE THROUGH! NO, OF COURSE, LITTLE POPSTAR SISTER PAIGE GETS WHAT SHE WANTS AND HAS EVERYTHING DONE FOR HER!"

I know that's not true, because Harry promised mum not to talk about me much. The directioners only knew my name was Paige, they didn't know anything else, not my twitter, YouTube, instagram, nothing. Hell, Harry didn't even follow me on twitter before the concert. I worked hard for where I am. Instead of explaining that to him, I sassed, "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE MANAGED TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT, WOULD YOU LIKE AN AWARD FOR THAT?"

I hung up, gave the phone back to Zoe, who asked, "You ok with them?"

I scoffed, "I'm fine with Jack, with the other one, we aren't in a better place."

With that I stormed off, knowing my tears were going to come. I don't let anyone see me cry unless they are very close to me. Or I just haven't noticed. Harry, mum, and Zoe are the only people close enough. Harry's working, sincerely, I don't want to speak to my mum at the moment, and Zoe is just getting even more stressed. I can't let anyone see that I am truly broken.

I'm just sad because I thought I could trust him, and I liked him, a lot, more than anyone in a while. And I'm talking about first year of secondary school first kiss type of thing. And that night about a week ago, I was slapped in the face by reality.

No, wait I was Bitch Slapped.

And it was accidental as well.

I think that's the worst way to find out about anything, because you know that they didn't want to tell you. They wanted to keep it a secret, but it rolled of their tongues.

But the worst part is when I stumble over something related to him, and knowing that I will never be able to call him mine. EVER. And I won't forgive him, that's true. But now, all those small fights, the bickers, the ignorance, the slammed doors, the frustration, seem good. And now I wish that I could have all that bad stuff back, so I could have the good that came after it. The passionate kisses, the make out sessions, the special nights, the surprise kisses...

The 'sorry's.

And to him, it wasn't a big deal.

It was a game, all of it.

And he was winning, because every day, the nasty thoughts cloud my mind. And it's slowly eating me up.