I'll Show You 2

Chapter three

Justin|

Why am I so stupid? I should have known better to try to kiss her, but I just couldn't help it. Seeing her sit in front of me so effortlessly beautiful... that's all it took for me. I wanted to taste her lips again. I wanted to love her in such a way that would heal her broken heart that I wounded. I can see it in her eyes that she wants to love me again, but the only thing getting in the way is my mistake. If I could, I would take it back, I wish I would have never done that to her. I've hurt so many people and I don't know why. I just do it. After Selena, I was scared to love again. I was afraid that I was going to hurt someone else and I did. Hailey was my go to person whenever Selena wouldn't take me back. Hailey gave me attention, and I knew she had a thing for me, but I lead her on for my own benefit and that was fucked up on my part. Once I found Christina, my heart changed. I began to love again, It was different with her and she made me so happy even though we were going through so much and barely knew each other. She was normal, she wasn't a model, or a singer. Just an ordinary girl who had dreams. God, I never meant to hurt her, I never thought I would hurt her ever, but the devil proved me wrong. He tempted me, and I gave in to his temptation and look where it got me? I lost her. I lost another person that I loved the most and all because of one stupid mistake. Everything that I told her tonight was coming from my heart. I want her to be happy. If being with someone else will make her happy then I'll let her go. It won't be easy, but what is nowadays?

I never would have thought I would have a baby... at age twenty three. I just turned twenty-three before Joanna was born and all day on my birthday I waited for her to call me...or at least text me, but she never did. I left her so many voicemails, I don't even think she listened to them. The only way I could hear her voice was her voicemail greeting. Sometimes I'd call just to listen to it and hang up because I knew that's all I was going to get. I texted her everyday, but no response. I wanted to be in her life, but clearly she didn't want me in hers. Whenever she called me when I was in Europe, that was a shocker. Whenever I saw her name on my phone I thought I was dreaming. I was so nervous to see her after all those months whenever I was flying back to New York. The whole way there, I was thinking of what to say to her. I didn't know what I was going to say, I just winged it and here I am being friend zoned by my baby mama. That's what I get though. My heart deserves the pain, and hers deserves all the love in the world.
I don't know what we will be in a few years, but I hope we both are happy and on good terms.

Chris and I are going to be amazing parents, apart or together. My mom and dad weren't together when I was growing up. That hurt more than anything because I thought it was my fault. I thought I was the reason they weren't together, but that wasn't the case. I wanted to be like the rest of the kids I grew up with. They had everything. They had expensive toys and all the nice clothes and their parents together. Mostly, I just wanted to have my parents together. I wanted to be normal. My mom gave me everything she could and my dad tried his best to be there, and I'm grateful for that, but I'm not going to make my parents mistakes. I'm not going to let my daughter feel like I did growing up. I'm going to be the best dad that I can be for her. I can't control how Chris feels so I can't promise her that her mom and I will be together, but I can promise her one thing... that I will always be there for her no matter what.

A lot of people expected me to be a failure as a father because of the image I was giving off. I can be an asshole sometimes and make the dumbest decisions, but anyone who knows me, knows that I love kids, especially my daughter and siblings. They make me want to become a better person, and I know I will.

Right now, I'm lost like a deer staring into head lights. I don't know what to feel or what my next step is going to be. I have so many things that I need to do. All I know is, I don't want to go back to what I was before. I wasn't even me. I was trying to be something that I wasn't and whenever I looked into the mirror, I didn't even know who I was and that's bad. I was so lost into the drugs, drinking and partying, I didn't care what anyone thought about me and that was the problem. I simply did not care, but now I care more than anything.

I read what people say about me online and it gets to me. I'm not that person that I once was. I don't piss in mop buckets anymore, I don't drag race or egg people houses. Those days are gone. I was just an idiot trying to fit in and that costed me my reputation. I agree, I wasn't the best role model to my fans and I lost so many people down that journey, but I've gained many more these last two years. I'm grateful to have so many people who love me. It's an amazing feeling, but lately I just wish my life wasn't so public. I wish I could disappear from social media without it being a headline in the news.
I'm just a person and now that I am off tour, the paparazzi have been up my ass. All I can do is politely tell them to fuck off without coming off as an asshole. It can be done. I asked this one guy what was wrong with his face because he looked insecure. That's my way of being an asshole to them because they steadily want to be in my business and they can be jerks so, why not be one back, but ten times nicer? I'm a nice guy, everyone knows it and I've grown so much compared to the past years. I've learned that the paparazzi want to get that rage out of me, they want to see me mad or upset so they can snap their cameras and turn me into a monster. I have snapped before and punched a pap in the face and even tried to again a few years ago. I learned from it and the best way to handle that is to simply ignore them and go on with my day. Here and there I'll say something just so they understand that I am human too and I deserve respect and space. I understand that it's their job to take pictures or whatever, but damn. One person can only take so much.

I know, boo hoo, suck it up Justin you are such a wimp. I may have a lot of things that others don't, I live a life where I have no worries, but really, I have so much to worry about that it's not even funny. I may not be homeless or broke, but I can say this, I was there before. I had nothing at one time. I was lucky enough to have a roof over my head, food to eat and clothes on my back. I know what it's like to have nothing, and now I know what it's like to have everything because I simply never gave up and now this is my new normal. Cameras in my face twenty four seven whether it it's my fans or the paparazzi. Screaming everywhere I go. I'm tired of that. It was okay at first, but now it's annoying and exhausting. I can't even speak to my fans without being interrupted by screams. That happened a lot on this past leg of the tour. I tried to connect with them with a speech that was coming from my heart and I couldn't even do that. I can be dramatic sometimes I know, but it's common sense guys. Let me talk, I want to connect, but with them screaming there is no possible chance of having a connection. That's what most of them do not understand.  I tell them how I feel and then I'm suddenly the asshole who "hates" his fans. I do not hate my fans. I love them. I don't connect with them like I use to only because I'm growing up and I'm trying to stay away from social media to find myself and I'm just tired. I can't be myself on twitter anymore, I deleted Instagram because I was trying to be something I wasn't and I can't deal with negativity anymore. I'm doing it for myself and if no one can understand that then that's their fault. They can call me whatever they want, but nothing will change the way I feel.

I'm still the same Justin, I have the same sense of humor, the same personality, I'm just older. I'm maturing. I'm not that goofy little kid with the hair flip anymore or the kid who fucked up so many times. That's what so many people still portray me as. The kid who pissed in a mop bucket, the kid who got arrested, the kid who hates his fans and spit on them. I get labeled something new everyday. The more they add to the list, the more stupid and false it gets. They look at the shitty things I've done, instead of all the good things I've done throughout my career.  No one knows me, they just know what they saw in the tabloids and believe it like fools. They can believe what they want and judge me, but in the end the only thing that matters is how god sees me. I'm not perfect, and he knows it, but he still loves me and he has blessed me with the best gift that I've ever known.

My purpose. I thank him every day for blessing me with who I am, and the people who surround me. Without him, I don't know where I would be today. He has given me another chance, and I'm not going to blow it.