I'll Show You 2

Chapter twenty

Christina|

I don't remember coming back upstairs last night. All I remember is going downstairs with Justin and watching a movie and then I fell asleep. I couldn't sleep for shit before and then... whenever I was with Justin it felt like it was... natural. Like, I could fall asleep so easily.

Ugh.

Why do I do this to myself? I moved on and here I am chancing my new relationship for my old relationship. I want things to workout between Justin and I, I want us to be friends, but it's kinda hard whenever he's giving me sex eyes every single time I look at him.

He knows what he does to me and he takes advantage of that. What we once had is gone, but I'm still attracted to him. We had sex countless of times, we had a kid and it's a bond that never gets old.

Sam and I haven't had sex yet. We are taking it slow because every time I go too fast, shit happens.

I'm cranky as hell because I can't sleep, I haven't had an orgasm in god knows when? Ugh. I need sex and I'll feel so much better. Usually I could give two shits about having sex, but I'm craving it.

I almost caved last night. I almost came onto Justin. It's wrong of me to even think about it whenever my boyfriend was upstairs asleep. He trusts me and he really likes me, I didn't want to do that to him. I couldn't.

I like Sam, he's sweet, caring, and a very nice guy. I just need more. I want him. Maybe... if we take it to the next level then things will be better. We are taking it too slow. We need to at least get comfortable to that extent. I feel comfortable around him, it's just... whenever Justin is here I tend to become...

Fuck.

I don't want to say it.

I tend to become horny.

He can look at me and I'm wet. It's not okay. Especially whenever I'm dating Sam. I feel like a shitty person, but I just can't help it. Justin is the father of my children, it's not like I can just kick him out of my life forever. It's not that simple anymore.

He's going to be a part of my life rather I like it or not so... there's really nothing I can do about it. I've learned to control my feelings towards him. I know how far to take it. I shouldn't have walked downstairs in Justin's shirt and no pants. That was very inappropriate of me. He may not have thought that, but... it was. I was teasing him purposely and for what reason? I know that I can't have him, he's not good for me so why the hell am I doing it? Why?

I'm so irritated with myself. I'm a mom. I can't keep going back and forth from guy to guy. It's not right. I just wish I knew what my heart is doing to me.

My mom thinks that Justin and I are going to end up back together, but... I don't know. I'm attracted to him, but I always have been. Before he and I even met, I was attracted to him. He's an attractive guy. It's natural for me to think he's good looking because for years that's all I've known.

I wish he could just turn me off some how, but knowing him he has to be a tease every second of the day. Walking around here... with his glasses and smirk on his lips. I just want to choke him.

Meanwhile

Right now, Justin is making breakfast for everyone. He even made Joanna a bottle of formula. He had her up out of her crib before I woke up this morning.

He's so good with her.

"You want your eggs scrambled or fried?" Justin asks    as he stood in front of the stove shirtless, and flips the bacon that was frying in the pan.

"Scrambled please." I sat down and fed Jo her bottle while breakfast was cooking. Sam hasn't made it out of bed yet so it's just Me Justin and Jo.