I'll Show You 2

Chapter seven

Justin|

She doesn't know.

The rose sitting on the dresser is staring right at me and she doesn't even know that I know she is seeing someone. It's obvious I mean... I hope she tells me who the guy is at least. I want to know almost everything there is to know about him so I'll know he will treat her like she deserves. I don't want her with someone who is a piece of shit... like me.

I take that back. Im not a piece of shit, but she deserves better and it really does hurt that she is moving on, but... I did it to myself. I'm the only one to blame.

It was going to happen sooner or later. The only thing that I am really afraid of is how the guy will be with Joanna. I wonder if he even knows about Joanna... I'm pretty sure she told him everything already. The guy must really have a thing for her, because most guys are dicks and don't want anything to do with women who have kids. I'm the total opposite. I love kids so it's a plus for me. 

Anyways...

Chris is asleep next to me and all I can do is watch her sleep peacefully. I can't touch her, kiss her, hold her... all I can do is look at her and watch her look at someone else like she use to look at me.

Why. Why did I have to give into the devils temptation. I knew it was wrong, but why did I still do it? I could have stopped it and I tried, but not hard enough. I'm so fucking stupid and I should have never... let it get that far and I should have told her about it. It may have hurt her still, but maybe things would be different than they are right now. Maybe, we would be on better terms, we possibly would try to get back together, who knows?

Ugh. I'm tired of feeling like this. If Chris can move on then... I should too, but the thing is, I won't be able to love anyone else fully because Chris still has my whole heart. I don't want to hook up with girls just to make myself happy for a second. That never helps, it will just remind me that I'm not with her and make me feel more empty.

If I move on it will be for Christina, not for me. I will move on for her because I know that's what she wants me to do. She wants to be happy and maybe if I just leave her alone then she will be. After the Grammy's I will stop completely. I'm going to try one last time to win her back at the Grammy's and if she doesn't want me back then there is my cue to move on and let her go.

Like they say, if you love someone, you let them go. I it's the most hardest thing to do, but in the end I guess it's the best for both of us.

What I would do if we didn't have a kid, I would just part ways for good and let her live her life in peace, but that's not the case. We made a baby and now we are going to be a part of each other's lives for good. I'm not complaining at all, I'm just saying that Joanna is keeping us connected. It's not so much of a bad thing, but Joanna is literally a blessing and even If I had the chance to, I would never take back the night we made her.

I love my daughter more than anything and I'm going to be the best that I can be for her. Even though she is just a tiny little baby, she inspires me. My new music is definitely going to be influenced by her. 

Every time that I look down at her, she warms my heart and fill it's with happiness. She is the only thing that is keeping me going. If it weren't for her, I don't know where I would be. I would probably be out doing something I shouldn't and get into trouble again and make stupid decisions. I would never stoop as low as I did before, but I know I wouldn't be who I am right now.

I look back at how I was back then and I don't even recognize myself. I was so lost. It's insane. I was unhealthy and everyone could tell. My face was sunk In, I always looked high, Basically because I was. I didn't care about anything. Thank God, the lord woke me up and gave me another chance and blessed me even though I continue to make mistakes.