RANTS AND MY THOUGHTS

Thoughts At 1:37 in the Morning

Why? Why the hell did I drink so much fucking Dr. Pepper??? Oh yea, because I couldn't help it. God, I wish I wasn't like this. I'm currently listening to Fun. and Ghost Town, alone with some other songs from Yuri!!! On Ice while just over thinking everything. I'm not entirely sure why I do this, especially during this time of the year. *siiigghhh*

I was being really annoying earlier, at least that's what I think. I was sending all of my messages in Japanese instead of in English. I'm pretty sure I'm one of the most annoying and cringey people there are. All I do is sit in my room and act like an asshole on a stupid groupchat or watch YouTube for hours. Sometimes I'll just sit there and over think life, which usually ends up with me crying because I hate my mind and it's horrible imagination. I also play video games every so often, which is fun I guess. I just wish I was motivated to actually live, y'know. All I ever feel like is being an asshole, whether it'd be isolating myself or just giving off bad vibes, I still just purposely act like an asshole.

All I want to do right now is to get lost in my music and get inspired. It's not really working though. Ugh.

-1:48AM.

I feel horrible, at least Yuri on Ice came on. God, I love that song. It makes me feel like things will get better, y'know. That's ridiculous, but true. Music, even tunes with no lyrics, inspire me.

Ah. The climax of the song...so beautiful. Reminds me of the very beginning of this year, when I began to talk to Amelia again. Things suddenly just slowed down for me as I started to realize my feeling for her and what not. And now I'm at that crazy part, right after things slowed down. It's like when I was quickly falling for that cute little shit more and more as I saw her and talked to her. Like it's right when December started. That's when she and I suddenly became close friends and she actually said I was her best friend. Now here I am, wait to see what the rest of the song really means for me. What will 2017 be like? I hope it wonderful...probably won't be, honestly.

Well, now I'm at the next song. It's One Foot by Fun.. This is a really good song, upbeat, good lyrics. Just really nice. I love it.

-1:57AM

Oh, so it's obvious that I like Amelia now. That makes me kind of scared. Why? Because people can use that against me. I'm the one who broke up with her so if I do something in the red zone, people will have full authority to come at me with hate and they have something to use against me. That terrifies me, not just because of the harassment, but because I know how that feels. Going from baddie to goodie and then being caught in the red zone or in a situation that makes me hated but both sides. Like when I was in elementary school. Worst six years on my life.

...well....more like worst 3rd-5th grades ever.

I used to be a huge bully, and honestly, sometimes I still am. But that's besides the point. 3rd grade was horrible, I decided to bully this one girl along with my horrible friends. Then, I defended the girl one day, making the baddies to hate me. The girl I bullied was unsure of me, but she soon became my friend. Then, in 5th grade, I left the girl for new friends. Let's say that I wasn't really loved by everyone after that. To be honest, I was a jerk in 5th grade. I only changed in 6th because of Amelia. Just good god.

Well, Agape from Y.O.I. is now on. I love the sound of agape, it's so meaningful and beautiful. Truly something I adore.

Well now it's over and Voodoo is now on. Wow. *skips song, Trapdoor comes on* oh nice

I can relate.

-2:14AM

I wonder what people think when they talk to me...do I come off as an asshole? Nice? Hmm. I wonder what my friends think of me. Do they care for me? Are they ones to judge me? Do they really count me as their friend? Do they sigh in disappointment when I log on to talk? Do they think I'm the idiot of the group? What role do I actually play in the group? Were they really joking around when they said I was annoying...? Am I really that annoying...? How often to do they ever think of me? Do they have positive thoughts about me? Do they think of me as childish or serious? If they had to leave me, would they leave happily or would they hate to leave me? Do they actually even like me that much at all? Am I cringey to people around me? How many of my friends like being my friend?

Great. I'm crying now. Just what I needed. I fucking hate this. You see? I question everyone and everything. If is could get rid of anything, it would be my anxiety or whatever the fuck this is.

-2:21AM

You know what's horrible? The fact that I compare myself to fictional characters. Half of those stupid questions were me thing about Yoosung from Mystic Messenger. Most of the characters don't like him because he's pretty childish and young. I tend to be a bit like that as well. I hear about people talking shit about me every so often as well. But that just makes me uncomfortable with my friends. It just makes me me wonder if they say shit about me and what not. I mean, you never know.

-2:28AM

I honestly need to go to bed, my eyes are now droopy and heavy. But I want to listen to music. Fucking hell.

I'll just go to bed with my ear buds I guess.

I wonder if anyone I know offline will read this....🤔🤔