RANTS AND MY THOUGHTS

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I say way too much and I say it way too quickly and at the wrong time.

I started out talking about how I miss my girlfriend. But my friend made it more than clear that he doesn't care. Then I told him that he was the only person that I feel comfortable talking about these things with. He still showed less interest than not caring.

Just...listen up about this...

Alyssa-

She has problems of her own. And they have to do with similar things. I don't want to cause her to be reminded of that stuff or end up asking her something that could hurt her because I asked her about her emotions. That's what happens usually. Or I just end up getting annoying and go overboard about things.

Madi-
Heh. Madi, probably one of the most supportive people for my relationship. I just don't know. I mean, sometimes I fangirl over Amelia with her, but Madi's kind of like just my No. 1 Fan when it comes this. And I'm not really that close with her as a friend. So you can see what I mean.

T-
She scares me. I don't feel anywhere near comfortable talking about my love life with this person. To top it all off, I don't trust her very much (then again, I have trust issues). The things she has done to break my trust in the past pretty much makes the deal, I don't think I have the ability to let myself get close to her. No. Definitely not.

Anyone else-
I'm not close enough. Nope. And I'd hate to annoy them. Fuck maybe I should just go back to being an emotionless asshole who's only nice to Amelia because it sure seems like people don't like it when I'm open about things.

But why on earth do I need talk about Amelia so much to people? Why can't I just keep my mouth shut or blabber about her on here?

I have so much shit that could be talking about, most of it's negative and could make someone think I'm either insane or emotionally unstable and that I need to go to a therapist. So isn't it so much better to just let out the crazy ass emotions when it comes to the craziest and cutest person I know? Would you rather me bottle it in and end up getting overwhelmed by my self? I can't just put it all on here, some of these things aren't meant to be so public. I'm not stupid, okay?

I fucking hate this, I just want someone to fucking care and someone to listen to me. I don't want a therapist. I don't someone I barely know to listen to me talk about issues, I can't handle talking about them. I always, without failure, breakdown crying if I even think about talking about how fucked up my emotions tend to be. I didn't even know this about my myself until last year when I was scared and stressed and overwhelmed because of school and just myself.

I don't even know who I am and what I want and what I fucking need. This is why can't just bottle in my emotions anymore, why I can't refuse to truly find the inner shit about myself anymore. The more I talk about what I feel, the more I find out about I fucking feel.

But the only person who I can think of is the one person I never want to scare away or push away.

So, I'm probably going to have to resort to wrecking myself to not lose these people. I don't want to, I really shouldn't even suggest it. But I'm going to just keep things quiet until I'm asked to open up. I won't talk about how I feel lost and confused. I won't go on for an hour about how I'd rather be with Amelia than be locked in my house or just not being with her in general. I just won't talk about it. I can't talk about it. Otherwise, I'll cause a lot of fuckin issues.

So yea. I have issues.

I'm sorry you read this. I just needed a way to make it so I remember that not everyone is someone I can talk to.

Anyways, I'll probably end up adding onto this tomorrow when I realized how stupid it was for me to put this out there for everyone to read. I just don't care right now. Bye.