RANTS AND MY THOUGHTS

ugh jesus christ

Wow. I really lost it yesterday. Kinda sad to be honest.

I thought that a majority of those feelings were at rest. I genuinely felt like I was at good terms with myself and how everything is right now. Well, I guess not.

I don't really know myself at all. I mean, I try to be that smart, pretty "chill" person with the capability to help others and stuff like that. I try to make it seem like the only issues I have are anger issues, anxiety, and small insecurities. But there's so much more and I can't even figure out what it all is.

Today, I was watching two of my favorite shows. The Arrow and The Flash.

In the episode of TA, Oliver said that he didnt know himself as a person. I almost started crying over just that one sentence because it's by far the most relatable goddamn thing any fictional character has said in my case. Truly, I'm really confused. I think I know myself sometimes but when I get asked about myself and my interests, I suddenly go silent for a moment because I just don't know.

I mean, I know my age and physical shit but I mean what goes on in my head and what I put out to people around me are usually very different. Last night, ha, that was me trying to explain that I feel like there's no one willing to dive into what seems like this new personality locked up behind what I put out there. The people I usually open up fully to are the people that I barely ever even see or talk to. When my friend kept acting like he gave zero shits about these things and made it clear that he doesn't want to hear any of it, I kind of just went hostile. I exploded and tried to clean it up by forcing it back inside while writing that bullshit in the last part. So yea, that's that.

I want a good future. I want to be able to wake up to the person I love next to me one day and be able to know who I am but I have to know if people are going to be willing to help me reach that. I need to work on the present in order to even get close to that good future.

I'm not going to force people to listen to my bickering and insecurities, I will control myself and I will do my very best to, bit by bit and little by little, be true to who I am.

Now, leaving that be, can I just say that I miss Amelia????

With her being out of town and without a way to talk to her, I am just so fucking bored. I've been left to do nothing but sit in my room and miss her. I pissed off Josh with my emotional issues and I've just been kind of eh.

Since I missed her and all, I decided to finally give into reading something that she's been wanting me to read since before my birthday. I just kind of thought a lot about the little shit and how excited she was when she first got into it so I was like "okay I'll just give it a try again."

-annoying cut off to why I read this shit-

Okay, I'm sorry but I have to explain how exactly I even considered reading this shit. So...flashback time.

I believe it was November 20th, yup. Two days before my 14th birthday and the night that I really pissed off Isaac by taking his girlfriend to the movie that he was originally going to take her to. Mhm. Yup. That night. I wrote about it too. Okay, so she basically told me half of what happens. I really didn't listen tho(sorry Amelia I was too lovestruck to pay attention to what you were saying.) She told me that some characters die in certain parts and that I should 110% read this. But like. That's not really why I read it. I remembered how happy and her cute smile and how he just got lost into explaining it all. It was just too cute okay. She was just (and still is) too cute. What the fuck man, she's just really cute. But yea. I was kind of hoping that if I got into her interests, I could enjoy more of those moments where I just watch and listen to her get all riled up while also understanding what she's talking about. You see???? Goddammit.

-Back to revealing what the fuck this is-

Now, now, I spent over three years avoiding this hole of obsessing over little gray fuckers and shit, so I tried so hard not to even act interested. Yea, well, I've always kind of been interested. The fandom for this have some really great talented folk and they produce some of the best fan-animated videos. I've always like how people could stay interested in it for so long. I know a couple people who like this thing and they said it was hilarious. But then again, they strictly told me not to get into it for it will "suck me in and never let me out." Yea. Amelia's really the only one who's said to jump in and enjoy it.

HAHAHA

Fucking hell, I'm already obsessing and I've only started reading it yesterday.

Homestuck.

I

have possibly ruined my life. I am going to be obsessed over these fucking trolls and Dave's hella rad sunglasses for the next ten years, I can sense it.

Just oh my GOD.

Dave and John are my favorites so far. I will protect Dave with all my heart and John can go fuck himself(jk I love him too). Rose is fucking great too but I don't really trust Jade. Nah. She's too nice and cheerful <_<;

But yea, I broke my oath to never read it and now I'm drawing all of them everywhere and screaming because Cal fucking creeps me out but he's still pretty chill.

Yea.

Toodles 🤠🤠