RANTS AND MY THOUGHTS

This Won't Make Sense, But...

I don't know myself. That's for sure.

I keep trying to find myself in other people to discover who I am but, of course, that's no way to live let along discover yourself. I feel like all of these other people know who they are and then I look at myself. I have no idea who I even am and it hurts. I always feel like I'm separate from the people around me. If that even makes sense.

What I mean is that the people around me aren't people and that the world I'm in is not real. It's not a situation where existing is pointless, it's where I'm in a cycle of lives and I'm the only one with a real spirit with a few exceptions, very few exceptions. I can pick out people in a crowd who feel like they're familiar or feel like they are aware of this odd thing happening. I can recognize people who I've literally never seen before and don't look anything like the people I already know.

I get stuck in moments where it feels like the world around me isn't aware of my existence. The people feel like a bunch of programmed robots, designed to do a certain thing at a certain time while I look over them. I know of at least two others who have times like this. Hell, there have been moments where we actually have been seemingly nonexistent to other people at the same time and place.

And then there's the strange moments where I feel a déjà vu like feeling at certain place or I end up knowing things that I've never even researched or heard of. The other's have times like this too! We spoke about this on the DC trip, since we were roommates, of course. We felt strange familiarities on the sidewalks we strolled on and learned about. Visiting Independence Hall, walking down Broadway, walking into old buildings, and seeing the very door to the gassing chambers of the holocaust. To others, it merely made them feel bad, to us, it felt all too familiar and caused us to imagine vivid moments we never experienced in the bodies we're in. History class feels like a review of information we already knew by heart, and sometimes the facts given to us feel so incorrect that we're offended by it. Hell, we have dreams about the past and it's more like looking back at old memories when in reality those things never happened at all to us.

This may not make sense, it may even sound insane and absurd. But I just want to know one thing. Why? Why did it feel like a casual place to be in independence hall for me but it felt completely different for another person? Why is it that I have overwhelmingly vivid memories of walking down the streets of Germany, a country I've never even been to, and seeing horrid sights of people being hauled off into carts to be eventually tortured or gassed? Why do I feel guilty for  things that didn't happen within my lifespan? Why is it that when I read about past events, I feel the emotions that people from the past felt as if I were in their spot?

Are there more people out there?

Or are we going to keep be continuously turned down every time we mention this?

I want to understand why I feel like the body I'm in feels like it isn't mine. I want to understand why I feel like the people around me feel fake and soulless. I need someone help me, someone who sees how I feel. We need to find the people who know what I mean.

•••

I never really realized it until I saw how much I stick out as a person. A past teacher pointed it out to me by calling me a unique soul in a goodbye letter before moving onto the next year. Since then, certain things that people describe me as are always connected to me sticking out like a sore thumb. Hell, a teacher even told me that there's a lot to be coming my way as if I were meant to be in a great picture. It goes to my head too. I ponder at it forever, wondering why it's stuck in my head. I've always found it odd that I feel uncomfortable with today's generation and how technology has advanced. I do find it fascinating and cool, but I tend to skip over the fancy new sports car to fangirl over the old-fashioned way of traveling with a carriage attached to a horse's back. When I walked into Times Square, I felt like the giant screens shouldn't have been there and I hated the giant skyscrapers surrounding me. Instead of living with the present, I imagined how it looked without the modern additions and only brick buildings and the actual ability to look up at the sky and not see the tops of skyscrapers in the way. I know, I know, it's such a ridiculous thing to do but when you're me, you'll see.

Walking down the sidewalks of Boston. I could only imagine it without the modern day look and the disappearence of cars. Ugh. I could go on but I'm afraid I might sound foolish. I just want to get this out of my system without it being treated like some secret.

But please, do tell me if you understand this unimaginable feeling I have. This unexplainable obsession with the past. This undesirable feeling of not being able to understand myself and not knowing my own personality, like the soul I have belongs to another.

I feel insane right now, I should go. Goodbye.