RANTS AND MY THOUGHTS

For Fuck's Sake

You know, I was really looking forward to finally getting a break. I really was. The last year has been pretty stressful when it comes to homework and keeping my grades up and it never really helped that I had a shit ton of chores at home. I swear to god, I went to bed every night, wanting to just straight up kill myself  because I was so tired only to wake up and be even more tired. I had a lot of nightmares too. So many, in fact, that it made me paranoid and I lost a lot of sleep.

Now can you see why I have been excited to finally escape this cycle of being exhausted? I just want a break, I need one. My mom thinks otherwise. She always has. Every goddamn time I try to explain that expectations for all students have skyrocketed since she was in school, she turns me down. She calls it bullshit and that I shouldn't complain about it. She told me that school MUST be easier because of bullying programs and protection but honestly that's nothing compared to having at least one test every week and being given enough homework that even office workers would gasp in fear at. Seriously, I even put extra effort into all of my work. I have a 4.0 score average so far, I had to change so many aspects of myself to even get half way to where I am now. Don't fucking tell me that I don't deserve to at least complain a little bit.

I don't want to even hear about bullying and drama, I went through a lot of it. A year-round issue kept bubbling up about my math teacher completely losing her shit in class, then everything suddenly got ten tines more strict, and then there was still a shit ton of assholes bullying my friends and I couldn't do much about it.

School isn't the only thing that left me empty chested. Politics, economy shit, and family issues have really brought me down this school year. I got so scared about the election that I had panic attacks for a month. My birthday set me up for a downhill road of me hating myself and a lot of people around me. This entire year, my family as been irritating the shit out of me because of how different my political views are and how I don't have the energy or motivation to do almost anything. Or, in my grandma's case, I've been expected to ten times better than what is even possible. I'm not lying when I say that I'm terrified of failing. If I fail, I already know that my parents will yell at me and suddenly act like it's the worst thing I've ever done. That's not a joke, they have done it and they will continue to do it.

Every time I even speak to my mom, she yells at me, telling me that I have a shitty attitude. Seriously, I can't even look at her sometimes without getting a "you better fucking fix your attitude little girl." Oh, and my mom is by far the worst at making me feel good and confident. I'll say something about how hard a test is or how I feel like I can't do something and it always, and I mean always, ends with her telling me how terrible things will get in high school. Last week, my ELA teacher had my class write down someone that I consider my mentor and I was stumped. I spent the next two days thinking about it and I still couldn't think of someone. The only prep talks I ever get are just people telling me that I have it easy with tech or that I have no place to complain. The only goddamn people that ever encourage me are my girlfriend and maybe one or two friends. That's it.

Now can you see why I want a break??? Just at least a week without chores, homework, or people telling me what to do is all I want. No constant reminders that I can't do things that I want to do or pissy remarks about how shitty of a person I am. I just want to know how it feels to not have so much pressure on my shoulders. But I doubt it'll happen. Since when have I ever gotten even the slightest break?

I think that's enough...bye.

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