RANTS AND MY THOUGHTS

Bleh

I don't really know how to start this off.

Um...

I feel like shit?

I don't know. Lately I've been feeling as if I want to barf. I'm sure it's because I have that stupid east coast trip coming up and school is kind of all over the place. I have a choir contest on Tuesday and I leave for the trip on Thursday. It'll be my first time on a plane too, but that doesn't bother me. What does is that I just don't want to go. The only reason I don't speak up about my real feelings about the trip is because everyone other than my friends don't know that I really don't want to go at all. Not only that, but my mom is extremely excited for it so I just figured that I can't step away now. Ugh, that's not the only problem either.

School.

Just school altogether.

Most of the students in my schedule block, including myself, have turned into complete assholes. We all basically bully some of the teachers and I feel bad about it. I'm beginning to go back to how I was a bunch of years ago. I was pretty selfish and purposely turned off my ability to empathize at all with certain people. I don't know anymore. I'm nice to most of my teachers, but I've become such an asshole when it comes to my math teacher. Ugh. This is why I hate myself. I always end up either an anxious mess or mean disaster when it comes to math class, or anything really.

This caused the teachers and vice principal to tighten rules and now it's either students get sent to the office or spend the rest of the period out of class. I can see why they do this, kids are getting out of control and most of the time they aren't interested in their education. However, I'm kind of scared. This makes me so uncomfortable. It's based off of how the teacher feels about the attitude presented, not necessarily set guidelines or specific behavior. My fucking friend, Jill, was sent out of class for smiling during a more serious moment.... Just because it hurt the teacher's feelings.

Why would I care? Well, first of all, I doodle. This is an issue sometimes due to my oversensitive fucking math teacher always demanding  that I stare at her while I listen. It actually irritates me to have to look at someone while they speak because I prefer to listen and not have to track them. A lot of artistic kids can be like that. She tends to walks past me during lessons to remind me to pay attention. It only pisses me off and it actually distracts me from listening to whatever the hell we're doing. Besides, I'm usually already done working on what the teacher gives us before she even finishes the lesson. Half the time, I don't really need to pay attention unless it's something new or an important review.

Second of all, I am just really pathetic when I get in trouble at all. I act like I don't give a fuck or like the perfect student to prevent myself from freaking out after getting in trouble. Or just to hide the fact that it only takes someone to give me bad news for me to almost start crying. If I were sent to the office or something, I'd just fucking snap. It'll either be me being so pissed off that I cry or I have an anxiety attack and then have a breakdown. Seriously. I can't handle that type of thing.

Lastly, some of my friends can actually be kicked out of school just for reading a book at the wrong time or asking for a fucking pencil at the wrong time. For fuck's sake. This isn't okay. I've seen both sides of the situation and as far as I'm fucking clear, this is not the best way to deal with baddies.

I also think I'm getting sick too, or I already am. I keep feeling barfy and my mood swings are insane right now. It might just be my anxiety but I've also gained horrible eating habits. What I mean, is not that I eat all the time or not at all, but that I barely eat for long periods of time and then I pig out later on. Honestly, I'm trying to get back on track but it's really hard. I've been eating like this for a long time, since before winter break. My eating habits might even be why I feel like shit. I just don't know, I'm lost.

•••

On a more positive note, things seem to be doing okay otherwise. I have an amazing girlfriend, I haven't been buried in drama, and I feel like I actually have people there to accept me and what not.

Amelia is just great. Gah. Josh keeps teasing me over how at the school spring concert, I stared at Amelia....the entire time. I just love watching her do things, I love to admire her and it's just great. I'd be lying if I said she wasn't fun to study her while she's in her little world. At the concert, I just kind of admired her from the choir stands while she played her viola and even when she goofed off between songs. Not only that, she looked adorable in her jazz band uniform. I swear to god, I didn't even notice the people around me. I was just lost in the music and in watching the amazing sight presented to me. (lmao whoops I got a little too into that)

Anyways, I haven't been in drama (unless you count the fucking teachers) and I feel like I'm pretty good with my friends. Well...not with Quincy, but everyone else. It's great. I haven't been as depressed and anxious thanks to that too.

Alrighty, I guess that's all for now. Thanks for reading this I guess. Haha.

Toodles✌

(PS: rip pete 2k17)