RANTS AND MY THOUGHTS

?

im kind of lost

if that's the right way to describe it

i feel so anxious lately and it's horrible because i feel like passing out or barfing because of it

if you mention certain things or if i think about a lot of stuff, i start feeling sick and it's just

why?

why is my body being like this?

it's like im just mentally sick and that's now taking a toll on my body or something

some things are changing and im trying my best to get used to these things

maybe i just need to relax, to stop overthinking and to be neutral on things

but the end of the school year is near, i feel like i might lose two important people to me, and i don't know what to think about literally everything

do i like science?

do i like my friends and family?

do i know my own thoughts and beliefs?

do i even know who the fuck i am?

im listening to movie soundtracks right now and eating pizza by myself and thinking about these things because idk what to even do

sometimes i just do things without really feeling anything but as soon as it hits me that i can't feel anything at the moment, im struck with this nausea and terrifying feeling of emptiness and heaviness at the same time

i get upset with myself really easily too

there's a cool looking guy at my school and now im so fucking mad because i can't bring myself to actually be friends with him so now it's like a side obsession to see him in the hallways and just stare at him because i really feel drawn to him but im too fucking awkward and scared to ask him to be my buddy

it's so fucking stupid ive literally wanted to be his friend since like sixth or seventh grade and yet i still haven't even really given him the opportunity to acknowledge my presence im so dumb why do i obsess over people like this

and then i have this constant feeling that im gonna actually pass out every time i speak, like just talking or typing out things freaks me out now

i don't want summer to come

i won't be able to see or talk to my best friend and ill only be able to talk to milo/amelia when they're online because shit happens and im apparently not the most likeable child according to people's parents

i mean, i get it

im not exactly normal and my parents aren't always uh...likeable either

i just want to escape, to become one of my shitty characters and to avoid literally being me for at least a day

but no, instead im hiding in my room and consuming a bunch of candy until i actually barf in hopes that this wretched twist in my stomach disappears

...

the color of the sky is so beautiful right now

it's like a perfect azure color with some gray clouds fading out here and there

the type of sky you never really see in paintings because they always focus on the sunset at this time of day and they wouldn't paint a cloudy sky unless it's from a battle or depressing piece

but this isn't a dull, gray sky

it's bright and beautiful but it's of the beginning of the end of the day

i also can see the tree tops to my neighbor's trees moving ever so slightly with the little bit of wind there is

ugh

i feel sick thanks to the candy now

hopefully something nice happens soon