RANTS AND MY THOUGHTS

memory lane

damn, i feel like im on a whole new planet.

after dating someone for 2 1/2 years and breaking up, starting college/running start, and basically having everything dropped in my life that i either actually did enjoy or thought i enjoyed...i almost feel alienated...but in a good way. there's been a lot of reflecting and processing of things. life, who i am, past situations, all sorts of shit. and i know in my last thing i was all happy-go-lucky because i had a billion weights lifted all at once, i'm not feeling "perfect".

first of all, i'm hurting in a way that even i can't describe. i always thought my wedding would have my gbff (" gay bff") cheering me on. i thought nothing would change, definitely not as fast as it did change. but holy SHIT am i glad it changed.

let me back up a bit, i need to explain why im all caught up in this rn.

i was reading a fan fiction of a ship i absolutely love and adore, reddie (richie+eddie from IT). in this fic, i found richie to be kinda relatable in the way that we both fuck around and say/do weird things and how when we fall, we fall hard. not to mention the bipolar add-in. i don't think i have any form of depression, including manic depression, but his low-lows reminded me of how i have been in the past. luckily, i have gained better emotional habits and i haven't had any very bad lows for a couple months. but it still reminded me of the bullshit i went through. constant jokes about "haha sydnie's biPOLAR and biSEXUAL hahahaha funny" <--not a made up thing i was told by someone i loved and trusted :)

call me a major pussy but seriously, i look back and feel like i was a fucking joke to these people that i swore were my "beloved" and "brother-like friend". i was always the dipshit to get glares or be teased about either what i was wearing, my little trinkets (which i stopped having on my bag because i was always made fun of CONSTANTLY), literally what i would say or do, and anything else. i felt inferior, weak, lesser...so i tried to "impress" them but it led down a dark path. i don't know what the fuck happened in my head, i just snapped i guess.

i was basically bipolar. i would lose all empathy and become a raging jerk due to stress(especially at rehearsals). this whole situation caused me to get sick and i couldn't function, i was throwing up with migraines and i had bad fatigue. i still pushed through it.

after the musical, i thought it went away but then things darkened again because my bad emotional habits continued, leading to people applying more pressure and getting angry with me. so i purposely acted this way until i got scared and forced myself to be a complying girlfriend/human being. when i couldn't just ignore my inner tension after being rejected multiple times, i broke down. so my bf dumped me, understandably. i was not a good lover at the time, no one deserves to carry another's pain.

we agreed to keep things safely mutual afterwards, it was okay. (didn't last long)

then i was lonely as fuck all of the week after.

star was out of town at a funeral and mourning her cousin, so i couldn't hurt her more. i left her be. but those who were supposed to be my closest friends...they basically ignored me. it's safe to say that i wasn't feeling too swell.

but seriously why do i feel like there's a weight attached to my wrist? what do i feel like im still a massive joke and that i can't ever trust anyone other than my three friends? why do i feel like i could never have a real relationship with anyone ever again? why do i feel like the bad guy despite not having done anything to hurt anyone after the fact, even when these people try to hurt me in front of other people. i want to feel good about myself but i can't trust my judgements anymore and im really just scared. really scared.

fuck all of this.

im going to bed before i freak out