RANTS AND MY THOUGHTS

2AM

   Honestly I try real fucking hard to please my parents despite the fact that I feel uncomfortable saying "I love you" to them. Like I just want to impress them with good grades and at least false responsibility.

   This is because 1) growing up, my parents yelled at me for everything I did wrong. It was either wordor getting beat with the spoon. I usually got the easy end of things (not in second or third grade tho) thanks to the fact that I'm the oldest and that I'm the spoiled brat. 2) I was ALWAYS guilt tripped into thinking that my grades had to be PERFECT or at least near it. My parents will say otherwise but I remember getting two slightly lower in accelerated math and then wanting to fucking die because I thought my mom was going to yell at me or something. People say that I complain too much about my grades but honestly I'm stuck between wanting to have low grades from relaxing and having perfect A's in all my classes so I can keep my phone and trouble . I'm sick of hearing "shut up you have an A-" and "at least you have more than a C" 3) Every fucking day is dreadful for me because I just want to get shit over with. I'm aware that things after high school can be horrible but if puch myself hard enough, things won't be as dreadful. I just want to go to college and get my job so I can pay for all my stuff and not have to repeatedly ask for it like an annoying five year old.

   But I'm not here to talk about my grades n shit. No, I'm here to complain that I pretty much hate the fact that I told my mom that I would take care of the husky puppy we just got. Honestly, this is so fucking difficult. Everytime I go to take him out, he's already taken two diarrhea shits on my carpet. I'm pretty much doing everything by myself and I'm suffering for it. I've only had him since Valentines Day and I'm already crying over the fact that I am irresponsible as hell and can't take care of a dog by myself. It doesn't fucking help that my mom is telling everyone he's my dog and that I have to do everything. I'm about ready to just fucking die because I can't ask my brothers for help. They just throw a fit and refuse to help me and then my dad is still salty about him being here, so he won't help. My mom is lazy as all fucking hell and everyone takes care of her animals, so of fucking course she wouldn't help.

    Not to mention, I didn't ask for the dog in the first place. I just didn't want to make my mom feel bad so I played along. I did get excited, but only because I thought I would get help/it wouldn't be this fucking difficult.

RIGHT as I FUCKING TYPED THAT the dog decided to TAKE A SHIT ON MY CARPET.

I WANT TO FUCKING DIE.

I literally just fucking took him outside. I can't even fucking tell when he's going to take a piss or shit so how the fuck will I just know when to take him out. I just to get sleep without having to worry about this. Ugh. Please someone just end my fucking life.

   I don't care if I'm overreacting. I just want help with this situation because I clearly can't handle it by myself.

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Now that it's 2:42, I'm just laying in bed and trying not to cry. I'm beyond frustrated and I've been upset since I turned my phone off before bed. I just want to see and hear Amelia right now. She fell asleep or something right as I said I wanted something like a video or picture just so I could see her face so of fucking course I'm upset. She's 90% my impulse control and just hearing her voice cheers me up. I just want to hear her right now-

Why am I like this???