Feeling two or more emotions can be totally great or the worst goddamn thing ever. Especially when they contradict each other or are negative+positive. For example, how I feel right now. I'm happy and enjoying myself however I feel oddly empty and almost like I don't feel anything. Fucking weird, huh? I mean, it might be hormones just going right ahead telling me to fuck off but it still feels shitty.
There's really not much else to say about it so let's have some examples.
Like going to a birthday and having a shit ton of fun. You'll be at the arcade, playing some pacman game when you're suddenly hit with the sensation of envy and sadness. Your birthdays are never really all that fun. On your last birthday, you didn't do anything that fun and it was a lifeless experience. You look around the rest of the arcade to see the lucky birthday kid laughing and cursing while they hopelessly lose in a race against their best friend. You turn back to your screen, watching Pacman hit by the red ghost and die. You don't continue playing, you just watch him constantly go off the screen and come back on the other side until he runs into the blue ghost and the game ends. For some reason you don't feel like playing games anymore and you just want to leave or exclude yourself purposely. You're happy for your friend's 15th birthday but you can't help but feel upset about your own experiences.
Like sitting down with your friends and playing a fun card game. You're winning and filled with energy. When you're about to place the last card of your deck, an uncalled for rush of emptiness comes over you and the world around you becomes entirely different. You place the card down, you've just won but instead you feel like you've lost. Your friends start a new game but you decide to leave. You're not up for another game. You're full of pride yet you're not at all. You didn't even put effort into winning so it feels like a worthless and the fun was drained from the game. You've left the area and now you're outside of the building you were once in, you're staring at the leaves of a tree blowing in the wind and blocking the sun from blinding you. It looks colorful yet so colorless.
Like looking up at the sky and being curious of what's out there. You think of the great possibilities and how life can get better. But at the same time, you can't help but know that possibilities can be bad too. Maybe there's nothing really out there. Maybe there is no hope for you or there's nothing to look forward to. The future only looks like a blank screen and the past looks like the complete opposite. You can imagine oh so many futures but you can't really tell if any of them are good for you. You can't tell what's coming your way at all. You feel excited and lost.
Like having ambitions and inspiration but when you work towards to them, you feel like what you're doing is halfassed and worthless. You feel like this is all temporary and that you're only going to be doing this for less than what you thought in the beginning of this interest. You know you'll give up but you just keep going only to hit a dead end. You're hopeless yet inspired.
These are literally only some examples. I could go on but I feel like I'm too caught up in this haha.
Toodles 🤠🤠
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RANTS AND MY THOUGHTS
RandomMostly me complaining. I wouldn't suggest reading this if you know me personally/in person, it's likely that I complained about you or mentioned you :) But if you wanna read this, read this. I can't stop you. ??
