RANTS AND MY THOUGHTS

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Mannnnnnn... you ever feel really relaxed and happy but also super fucking sad and disappointed?

I was reading a fanfic (something ive gotten into because I really don't do anything other than draw or have short and empty hearted online conversations), and it just hurt to read. You see, this bitch is a slut for IT stuff, so I enjoy stozier and reddie fics when I'm bored. So, here I am. I'm currently sitting in another person's house, listening to "my soundtrack ;)" playlist on the TV, a purring cat on my lap, and losing focus on the reddie fanfiction I'm trying to read. I feel like I'm doing absolutely swell but there's that stupid discomfort that dwells on my back and at the back of my mind. This feeling is always there. It's usually ignorable and undetectable unless I acknowledge it, but tonight the fog thickens and flows into my chest like a ever-so-slightly growing low tide. That's when memories and uncomfortable situations flood my mind and I just can't fucking focus. It bothers me, goddammit! Why the fuck do I feel like everything that has happened in the last six or so months is 100% because of me, like I'm a despicable human being and would be better being offed as a super villain in a cruel way. I believe everyone else is a victim and I'm the reason for the bullshit they go through, like everyone should hate me because I have been cruel in the past and because I still sometimes have dark thoughts. It's like I want to die but I'm not suicidal. I am the villain, right? I'm the antagonist, clearly that's the case! Haha! Fuck.

People around me keep telling me that it's those I associated with in the path that are the bad guys. However...I can't really convince my heart and consciousness that. Those people, I was really immature towards them. I was mean, I had towering walls against them that I tried so hard to keep standing. I had a longing for faux affection, and as obvious that is, I still want to go back to them because I feel like I owe them a thousand apologies and more. I tell other people that I hate those people and that I believe they did me wrong, but my heart doesn't believe that as much as my friends and family do.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to feel and believe?

I swear I'm an awful person, rotton to the core, absolutely sin driven. Other people describe me as intelligent, kind-hearted, and mature. Am I though? I'm just one fucking person put of billions but my "enemies" treat me like the fucking devil and my comrades act like I'm supposed to be on a pedestal and treated with admiration. One side either pities me or wants me dragged to my lowest point, while the other side wants me to be happy and they try their damnedest to make me believe I'm a great person. I'm suck in between. I've had people tell my best friend that they won't even speak to her just because she's my friend. Things like that make me want to exclude myself from the entire universe and to become asocial and lonesome. I don't want to hurt what I have left and I don't want blame to be forced upon them for what bullshit I have done in the past. I wish I could believe in myself without thinking that I'm selfish, but I can't help it. I'm evil. I'm awful. I hurt other people. I'm toxic. I had crushes on other people while in a relationship, I tried to separate myself from a promising partnership and now I'm left thinking that if that person gets hurt, it's my fault. It has to be. All I do is hurt people. I'm blunt and filled with venom and sometimes that venom has to escape...

Is that really the case? How to get rid of it? I don't want to feel pain like this anymore. I'm not a terrible person, right? At least not anymore, right?

I feel things again but I can't tell if I feel the right things. I only feel nostalgia despite the nostalgic memories being so repress-worthy. I should learn to forgot how much I felt like a joke. To forget every fucking time I looked at my outfits or silly trinkets and have to think "Would my friends approve of this? What are they going to say about this?" I want to forget having to worry more about their reputation and then switching that all up because I was so fucking fed up with being casted as a joke by them and just becoming a raging cunt because I wanted everyone to know my aching pain. I want to forget all the doubts I received about my sexuality and people telling me who I really was. I want to forget always feeling like I had two souls in me trying to decide on whether I was going to be a dominating and strong person or if I was meant to just the dumb friend who did stupid things. I want to fucking forget the pain. I want it gone.

I'll never be loved romantically again, if I was ever really loved that way. I don't know how to react to feeling like that without feeling obligated to take perfect care of them or to expect them to hate me after a while and point out my flaws. I don't know how I feel about ever helping anyone struggling with mental illness. It'll only freak me out and just thinking about seeing self harm on someone is absolutely terrifying to me. I'll just blame myself for it. I'll either snap and push them away or fully indulge myself into that person's problems.

Fuck, I should stop writing. I feel like throwing up now. Goodnight