My Past (Alphonse X reader)

Human or Monster?

'Thank you,' what else could I say, I could only thank Armstrong, I could do nothing more.

'I'm sorry I couldn't come to your rescue,' My rescue, looking back it didn't seem like I needed rescuing, I needed restraint.

'Sorry to change the subject but, what happened to the soldiers who protected me.' Alex had reminded me of them, they protected me when no one else could, I only wish I could've thanked them.

'They're recovering well, one of them is still unresponsive but his injuries have improved,' I wanted to hear that, so why couldn't I. I read Roy's lips to get the words but it seemed they were slipping away from me. I only realised later that this panic spread to my face, I was afraid. My mind had prepared me for the worst, but not for this.

'(Y/n)? Are you ok,' once again Al's words were all I could hear. Roy, Armstrong and Ed were also talking to me but their words were too far away to grasp.

'Al,' I don't know what I looked like, I couldn't feel anything.

'(Y/n)! Is everything ok?' He was bent down to my level, he wanted to look in my eyes, as he did this I saw a human. His armour disappeared, his eyes desperate and caring, his body frail and weak. He was human.

'Yeah...' The words fell from my mouth. Why can't I control myself?

'Y'sure?' Ed's voice could be made out, reality sinking back in.

'Mhmm,' I didn't want to open my mouth, I feared my own voice, each word a curse I would have to live with.

'Come and sit down, you've had a long day.' I could hear Roy, his voice was strong and confident but fear lied beneath, calling out.

Al placed his hand on my back, guiding me to a chair, giving me the support I needed and craved without asking for it. I sat down, slowly rubbing my hands beside me on the soft furniture.

Ed then came over and handed me water, I felt him sit beside me, the rustle of the material, his soft controlled footsteps, his every slow and quiet breath, his automail slowly clicking. Al also then sat on the other side of me, the hollow yet soft clanking of armour, the creaking on the chair adjusting to his weight, the loudness of the silence he produced. Unlike Ed, I couldn't read Al as well, I couldn't hear when his heart raced or his breath hitched I couldn't see his face flush or when he blushed, I could only see the expression of his voice and movements and his eyes.

'Thank you,' I was now staring at the glass, water slowly rippling from my shaking hand. I took a sip, feeling to cold water glide down my throat.

'It's ok, I don't want to ask but, uhh how do I say this... What's going on in your head?' I couldn't help but sigh, as I did Ed flinched back fearing he'd offended me or something. 'No nonononono no no! I didn't mean to offend you. I just was wondering why hearing good news made you feel like this is all, hehehe' I would wonder too, a girl shocked and upset at good news, shouts at people... I was starting to look a bit like a psychopath.

'It's not the news itself, nor the context, it's the fact they're there when they shouldn't be. If I just stood up for myself in the first place you and them wouldn't have been hurt. It's also what he said, not Roy the attacker guy..., he said that every person is someone's child. You can't just hurt one person, it's impossible, say I hit you Ed, Al would be mad too, in turn affecting those around you.' I didn't want to let his words affect me but they did, no one could prevent that.

'Don't worry the guards are alright, stop blaming yourself. When you become a dog of the military you get used to fighting, it's a part of the job, your family knows that. No one blames you for them being hurt. ' Ed's voice grew serious, his tone was flat and unwavering. Every word he said he believed, no one could change that.

'(Y/n) you know Armstrong and I both fought in Ishval, we hurt a lot of people and made enemies, but neither of us would have done that off our own accord. Some of our soldiers died in war, it was a price they were willing to pay. Even Hughes was willing to die for this country. So just think of it as their job.' Roy only spoke the truth, he voice cracking as he spoke Hughes name, as if saying his name ripped a hole through him.

'It's true (Y/n), this job comes with a toll, whether death or injury we are all willing to fight. Though killing isn't what we're all willing to do.' Armstrong spoke with a solemn voice, he had kept quiet through most of this, but now he couldn't contain his words. He wished to comfort me though it seemed I heard him but didn't take the message.

'A few of us in this room have taken lives, yet we're called heroes and saints, but you were willing to run to me after you apologised. You came to a killer for comfort.' Roy spoke again, he wasn't speaking to anyone but me, the rest of the room was silent.

'You feel remorse though, remorse makes a human, indifference makes a monster.' My mouth drew pent up words from my throat, throwing them out in desperation to fill the silence.

'I guess you're right, so you're not a monster then. If anything you're the most human here. I don't know how anyone could apologise to someone who did harm to you. That's something most of us can't do. We a apologise for the small things like bumping into someone, but never apologise for the big things. I only apologised in silence about hurting all those people, looks like you can teach us a lot, human.' Every time Roy said human he smirked at me, I wanted to take it in, know I'm something, but still the word monster was burned in my brain...
__________________________________________________
End of Chapter 12 (it might get a little dark soon)