My Past (Alphonse X reader)

Night

'Monster' I murmured to myself.

Was I awake? My body was frozen in place, paralysed, as I stared at the ceiling. The panic of the paralysis had long gone, only thoughts could fill the room.

'You're the most human here' Roy's words echoing in my head. I could never be most human, my body covered in markings, little pieces of regret, fear, hope.

My eyes struggling to stay open. It was long past the time I went to bed, hours at least. I slowly drifted off into sleep, allowing me what felt like mere seconds to be at peace.

Nightmares filled my brain. Darkness looming above all I saw, even at the brightest of times.

They say your life flashes before your eyes before death, but that moment it happened. Maybe death doesn't refer to the loss of life, it could be death of hope, willingness, innocence, remorse, happiness, soul, humanity, anything, we don't know. How can we know? Each moment I ever breathed through, I could feel my chest rising and falling. Every time I heard my heart pounding, I felt my chest throbbing. Every cut, bruise, scratch, every tiny tap, I felt it all. I saw it all.

Al held me more, I felt his warmth. Ed's solemn voice, Roy's voice cracking, Riza's support, Winry picking me up again, I felt it all. I didn't want to wake up, but there was darkness. Even the happiest scene turned gloomy.

Most scenes appeared for a second, but some stayed for minutes. Dragging out the torture as my hand was ripped from my arm, my foot stolen from my leg, my shoulder sliced open, I saw it, for a second. I can't remember, but I can, I saw my shoulder, the information given to me only to be pried from my unresponsive body.

All I saw was darkness, but it wasn't dark. I felt best here. Not in Al's arms, or Roy's comfort, not even with Hughes did I feel this good. I felt like this was it. The bright darkness, an unexplainable place in my mind. Nothing could touch me, not words, nor actions of times past. The future, that still loomed ahead. The darkness broke the happiness of my memories, but this future, it stopped the happiness of the lightened black world.

'Come on wake up!' Roy's words echoing, pushing the future towards me, 'God damn it, wake up!'

I woke violently, how could I help it. My body drenched in what I could imagine was sweat and tears. Roy's eyes filled with fear as he woke me, once again my saviour.

'Are you,' he would ask again, 'okay?'

Could I really lie? I'd been living with Roy's for six months now, but not once did I tell him my my troubles, they're too small, insignificant.

'No,' I broke. I can't keep silent anymore, 'I'm afraid.'

They're the only words I could utter. Clenched fists, tensed body, eyes tightly shut, sweat dripping, tears streaming, what a wreck. I'm a wreck.

I felt his body press against mine, his arms embracing me once again, like every night, it wasn't different. No words were spoken, he knew I cracked, he knew I needed to see Ed and Al again, but time and time again I couldn't. I was sick, or out, or they just left, I couldn't catch a break. Six months, I'd forgotten their smell, their footsteps, their warmth, their care, their everything.

'One more week I swear,' he always knew what I was thinking, 'I won't let them leave until they see you, I promise.'

It broke me. I constantly stress Roy out. He had to babysit me daily, as if I was five when I'm fourteen. Armstrong visits me, but that's about it. I'd rather be alone, Roy tries to leave me, but who'd leave someone like me, who would leave so one to push themselves over the edge, not Roy, he couldn't do it.

I missed Al's birthday, I didn't even give a gift, but Roy told him my words, I'm sure. Al missed my birthday, a bouquet of flowers was delivered to me by Armstrong, a card with Ed and his writing, I'm sure.

We still sat in silence, Roy's breathing as calm and steady as he could muster, but his heart spoke the truth. It raced, panic, he wanted to console me like Hughes had done those many years before. It's like he was holding a baby for the first time, fearful to drop them, but happy to hold them in their arms.

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Day broke once again. Roy had released me a while prior and gone to have a shower. It'd been a week since I said I wasn't ok, but still every night I cried the same. The bright darkness comforting me, but filling me with dread.

I would leave the house today, finally seeing them again. Roy promised me we could get flowers, smiling when I asked him like a two year old asks for sweets. I would give them the flowers, just like I planned that first day, but never got to because of him.

'Come one (y/n),' Roy's voice, signalling a happy piece of future, just for a moment, 'let's go, I want to see you smile. Ok?'

'Fine,' I couldn't help but laugh a little, I knew it made him happy, I'll do anything to make him happy.

The walk was mostly silent, but Roy watched me studying the scenery. He saw when I stared at people, or buildings, he took notes of this in his head, things to make me smile.

We arrived as soon as expected, flowers in hand, the prestige of the place hanging above. We greeted the guards like we did every time we saw them and carried on into Roy's office.

'Promise not to freak out,' Roy said jokingly, a hint of seriousness leaking through.

'I won't,' I was half right, I wouldn't freak out, it hurt too much, but I would cry... Just a bit.

Roy opened the door, not normally, kind of like a doorman.

'Hey (y/n)'...
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End of Chapter 13
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