My Past (Alphonse X reader)

Death

Lan Fan stood in front of me. The gun had been pointed away from Ling.

'Get away from the Prince.' Lan Fan's voice was harsh. 'Or I'll make you.'

'Lan Fan!' Ling was shocked at her quick reflexes. 'It's fine calm-'

'I was planning on it.' I walked away. No remorse. 'Tell Greed to find an empty body, there's plenty out there.'

I kept going. Winding through ruins of houses, bodies, bullet shells, blood. It was a horrifying scene. Ahead of me lay a wall, I could hear noises, they weren't human. I shot at it again and again. I wasn't able to make a single dent. I ran past it, mumbling prayers to whatever being is out there, hoping it would help. I kept running, faster than I ever thought I could. I ended back there. The grass seemed sharper than before, the world seemed harsher. I walked to the grave again and sat down.

'Jean told me about it. The fact that you kept trying to save me. Thank you, you're the reason I'm free now. Sorry I had to leave in such a hurry.' I looked at his name printed onto the grave. 'I wonder if things would have turned out like this if you were still here. Maybe they would have. I just wish I could know if I was doing the right thing. I have a gun strapped to my leg, bullets that could kill. I don't know why I'm here. I can't be trusted with the gun, what if I killed someone? What would I do? It's just war though, behind every hero is a killer. I just don't think I'm fit for that role though.'

I listened to shots in the background, transmutations too. I didn't  care. They were only background noise, all those who died were just background noise to the war. I could imagine there faces as each bullet ripped through them, their last sight your face. How can someone do that? Hughes did that. He was able to kill and come home to his family, blood stained hands and all.

'You regret killing don't you? I can see your brave face smiling as you came home. I don't know what to do.' I held back tears. 'I've cried enough, you would of patted my head and told me to smile. You're so much stronger then I thought. I bet you're smiling right now. Looking at me and wishing you could tell me what an idiot I am.'

I felt warm for a moment, as if his arms had wrapped around me. The wind ruffled my hair like he would've done. The sun beamed down like his smile. The world was playing out what he would do. It was like he was somewhere controlling everything.

'I'm sorry.' I started crying, tears falling fast. 'Why can't you make it rain? Maybe it could wash away these feelings. I have to go now. I just wanted to say goodbye. I don't know if I'll be able to come here too often. I wanted to see you and now I have, my final goodbye.'

I got up and began walking away. I put my hands in my pockets, one of my hands touched the gun, slowly pulling it out. I pointed it at myself.

'Maes I'm really an idiot. I thought calling you Hughes would make it better, turning you into some sort of military man.' I pressed it against my head. 'I can't save anyone. What am I doing? I wish it was me not you! You would've done something, this wouldn't be happening if you were here! I love you Al. I'm coming Maes. Oh who am I kidding. Dad.'

I stared into the barrel of the gun, clicking everything into place. Just had to pull the trigger and it'd be over.

'Don't look at me now dad. I'm a mess.' I placed the gun to my skin, feeling it, somehow it gave off a comforting release. 'I'll see you in a bit. I can't do it anymore! WHY AM I COMFORTED BY A WEAPON AND NOT YOU! Why? Tell me god or whatever demon you are why I'm alone here! I have no one.'

I placed my finger on the trigger bracing myself for the final noise I'd here.

'WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!' Lan Fan threw my gun, Ling catching it. 'WHY WOULD YOUR DEATH HELP? YOU'D ONLY HURT EVERYONE! Don't leave us, the young Lord needs you.'

'Lan Fan.' I fell into her, she held me tight. 'How are you so strong?'

'I have a purpose. I protect Ling, if he died I would have nothing.' She looked at me with compassion. 'He needs us too. What is a king without his people?'

'You're an idiot.' Ling walked over, hitting me on the back of the head. 'Next time find a real reason to die.'

'I need a reason to live though.' Ling just kept walking away, Lan Fan following. 'Ling, Lan Fan, do your best.'

'You're coming with us.' Ling kept walking as he spoke. 'That's an order.'

I did as I was told, following idly by.

'You're pretty late to the battle. I lost track of Mustang and his men.' Ling Looked over worried. 'I don't know where Ed or Al is either.'

'They're fine.' I crossed my arms as I walked beside Ling, Lan Fan had disappeared. 'Don't doubt them.'

'You said you had no one.' Ling placed his hand on my arm, I swung round to see his face.

A tingling sensation burned onto my cheek. Ling had slapped me, hard.

'WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE LOOKING AT? AM I NO ONE TO YOU?' He hit me again, this time he hit the other side of my face. 'WHAT ABOUT ED AND AL! MUSTANG, LAN FAN, FU, ARMSTRONG AND SO MANY MORE  PEOPLE! You're an idiot.'

He grabbed my face and stared into my eyes. My cheeks were red and hurt, my eyes were filled with tears.

'What are you?' I tried to escape but he held me tight.

'I'm an idiot,' I let the tears fall...

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End of Chapter 37
(PLEASE FORGIVE ME I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO UPDATE!!! IM SOOOO SOORRRYY!!! Thanks for reading its amazing to have so many nice people reading (so why don't you update more then Writer?! I really am sorry). I hope this chapter was good enough to make up for the horrid human I've been. I'll try and update more I promise!!)